YourInsidemyheadnow

Merry Fuckin Christmas

2009-12-24T20:53:00.000-08:00

SHITFUCK of a WEEK.
I spend Christmas eve day with mom in the hospital and come home to Jen, she is pissed I have not even been present for the last 10 days, she's pissed at mom and all the drama, she totally crashed her diet and drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine and then bitched me solid for 1 hour and said she was tired of me chosing mom over her.
Another fucking Christmas even alone.
I fuckin hate life right now.

Beautiful Weather

2009-11-08T18:35:00.001-08:00

I love this time of year.
I am feeling so much more well balanced, thanks to the Hormone Pellets.
Thanks Melody.
I getting back on track with exercising.
I try to do it on the days I work, so I actually have some relaxing days.

I have been pretty diligent with trying to seek balance in all areas, and will continue to improve.

I miss this outlet

Old Friends

2009-09-07T00:19:00.000-07:00

We have been boating almost every weekend.
I lost a whole lot of weight and am starting to put it back on again.
I think I will get back to running.
That seemed to work best.
The gym for now because it is damn hot.

I loved the way I felt.
I miss that part of me.

So, things with J are going much better.
We are getting closer.
We had a few alcohol incidents, this time me.
Don't remember much of it but I am sure it was not pretty.
I have vague memories of not so good things.

Let's let that one rest shall we?

Becky was in the hospital with heart rate excelarated. Not sure why. I knew she was in bad shape when she called crying. She never calls. Ever.
So, something is wrong with her Pituitary gland.
Not a tumor, cause they looked and didn't find one.
She suffers so much, I hate that.
She never complains either.
Never

The police is on. They are playing live concert.
They s0und so good.
There is great music and then there is great music.

2009-05-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

SO, I have not posted in a while.
Who the hell has time for this shit.

.. and I was being so diligent.

SO, I switched to P90X for working out, and am trying to find a balance between that and going to the gym. Plateau sydrome. Of course it is not helping that i have not been exactly consistent.

I am hoping to sleep better and get rid of these nightsweats.

W T F WHO MADE THOSE UP?

Anyhow, looks like I am going to have to get on Prempro again (1 week not working) This shit has 1 more week to kick in or I am on to something else.

I must sleep, I need my beauty rest.

J and I are well, she stopped drinking .. mostly and is taking pills to help with that consistently, for the most part.

A few face plants off of the wagon, but no major arguments or drunk behavior.

Good news for me.

Charlie needs a damn job. Can't find one anywhere. I keep looking and praying.
Fuck all the greedy people that screwed up this economy, now we are paying.

I suppose the ups and downs in an economy is where you can make some money, if I had some.

Keeping the faith.. (just keep peddling Catherine)

more later.. C

Great Days

2009-02-06T18:41:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been fantastic.
J and I had our Anniversary and went Skiing. We have enjoyed each other's company and not had any fights. Those seem to cycle. This must be hormonal.

B - I reached out to a new friend at work.
E - I have been pretty stable the last few days. This is good.
P - I have missed a few days, one before skiing and 1 after. However I will make one of the days up on Sunday. I have been trying to focus on my mid section in the morning pretty heavily. I MUST LOOSE INCHES.
M - I am in class and learning homeowners, condo and renter's policies. Lots to learn. Need I say more. I am familiar with the basics, however each company is different and certainly unlearning and relearning different specifics is challenging. Also each computer system is different and certainly learning where to apply certain information is the most challenging for me.
S - I have been sporatic with prayer, unless in great need. That's not good. I have however had some nice mediation time.

Smooth waters for now..
I'm tired...
-C

Misery is Temporary

2009-01-29T20:33:00.000-08:00

So, the last few days have been interesting.
J stopped drinking for 8 days. She got very upset with me for putting her picture on facebook.
I was proud to put her on, but know her better than that, and should have known she would have been upset. Regardless, she blew up and told me not to come home. She drank (probably a lot) and of course, it's MY fault. I suppose there will always be an excuse for drinking. Sometimes I wonder if she starts arguments on purpose. She is comfortable in her anger.

Anyway. I apologized to her and attempted to make up today as we spent time together. We did ok until the end of the night. Usually around 8 pm or so, then she got mad because the turkey slices went bad in the fridge. I had to hear a lecture for about 20 minutes on not wasting food.
I mean really, it goes on and on and on. She misunderstood something I said and blew up. Now she is in the bedroom again, throwing a temper tantrum with the door shut. I blew up at her for acusing me of saying something I didn't. This is getting annoying. I am getting tired of her mood swings, and I told her. She hated that. We both took and anxiety pill and went our separate ways.

I feel like I am boiling over right now. I'm pissed off. Pissed off that I have to endure another night of this needless drama. I am pissed off that more time is wasted. I'm pissed off that my life has turned out this way, when it never used to be this way. Things were good, for a long time with us. I am at this point of lifting myself up by the bootstraps and it's difficult. It's challenging, but I am determined. It seems that the person in my life who is supposed to be supporting me is in her own private hell. She is overwhelmed with her problems and personal hell and barely able to get through day to day, then the next minute, she is just fine, cooking up a storm and making food for my lunches.

Reactiveness is out of control right now. Initially it was her and I was trying to maintain my cool, but I am reactive now. I don't like it. I feel like I need a punching bag. To make matters worse, I didn't run for three days in a row. I feel like I disappointed myself. I was too cold and miserable yesterday due to our blow up. In the past month or so, I have shrugged it off without difficulty and even used it as motivation to run faster and longer. It actually made me more determined.

I feel off balance. I even got upset at the stupid DMV today. Someone changed my registration address without my permission and it fucked up my tags.

I think I need to focus on peacefulness in teh next few days. I need to meditate, pray, focus, whatever it takes to put my feet on the ground and stop being a puppet.

B I got to spend some time with Charlie last night. (By force) I actually had a good time. He feels steady to me and not an emotional wreck like I thought he would be after Renata left. He has every Russian mail order bride beckoning him and has about 30 emails a day from girls. Men think differently. Foreign women sell themselves with sex appeal. Maybe this is what he needs to get through it. I guess. Regardless. I felt a sense of belonging by being with him.
E We already covered that
P Fucked the last few days, and the ipod took a dump ( the new one) so back to Best Buy and I'll have to see if it will charge while I am at work so I can track my run. I might have to use the old ipod with a crappy battery. Maybe it will get me through 1 day, till I get the new one. I'd like to get credit for the 2 miles I am running. It's like instant gratification.
S I need to open my heart and focus. I miss the way my dad was like a lighthouse in the midde of rough seas. Nothering ever shook him. He was solid. His faith was solid. He was at peace. Now he is at peace.
F I have spent too much money in the past month.

1/5 that sucks.

Ups and Downs

2009-01-22T17:49:00.000-08:00

B - Hard to do much when you are sick in the way of being social, feeling social or reaching out to people. I am getting better though. My voice has returned. Just in time for the next Cardinals game.
E- It seems that I am feeling more anxious the last few days. I have not been at work and have had more time with Jen. The time has been mostly chilling cause I feel like shit. Which sucks because those become the memories and overshadow the fun times. J is the caretaker. But she resents it and feels that she is doing everything. Well, yes, this week, I suppose she is. She wants to live in a Goddamn museum. Nothing out of place. Such a contrast to the way I was raised. Still I am trying to adjust. I have made lots of lifestyle changes in the way I live. Still there is enough of a difference to aggravate her. She is having withdrawls and will pick a fight towards the end of the day. I am noticing this pattern and trying to stay out of her hair so to speak. The mood swings are quick and drastic and I am just trying to stay out of the way. Right now, I believe this is about withdrawl. She still has not filled her prescription for the medication which will chill her out. Perhaps tomorrow. I had significant anxiety the other day when I could not breath and went to the ER. They gave me a breathing treatment and anxiety shot.
P - still sick. still unable to run
M- I have figured out how to use ALL of the options on my cell phone. Including Beaming. Still practicing this. I will spend more time learning where to access things at work and then it will be time for me to find another mental challenge. Soon I will go back to training for homeowners. Of course I have had the license for quite a long time, but have actually never written a homeowner's policy. Perhaps a good book imbetween.
S - I am finding moments of peace to meditate. Honestly, I need to make a larger commitment to this. I will make it a point to Pray with J. Families that pray together....
F - I sucked at this for the last 3 weeks. Now I have to get back to frugal..

Wish me luck to weather the ups and downs of detox

The past few weeks

2009-01-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

Catch Up

I have not had much time to blog but have had a great couple of weeks. I have STUCK to my guns on everything I am so proud of myself. J hit bottom and decided herself to get help. So she saw the physician today to help with the drinking and hormones. I was so proud of her and am hopeful she can overcome. I will be here to support her in her journey and make sure that I stay on my path.

B - I have tried to reconnect with old friends on Facebook and see a few friends from my childhood. L and S from the dentist office believe it or not. They make me laugh and make me feel like a kid again. There is something so healing about humor.
E- I have been feeling very stable. I have stuck to my guns in my relationship and have stood my ground with placing boundaries gracefully. I am proud of that. I have continued in my comittment to keep positive thoughts about my self each day. Anytime I have a negative thought or self doubt, I have tried to replace the negative "tapes" with positive thoughts. If I view myself as what I aspire to be, it is changing.. it is self-concept changing and eventually it is changing me to be closer to who and what I aspire to be. It is really quite an amazing transformation, even more amazing to feel it happen in my own life not read about it in a self-help book.
P- I am STICKING TO IT !!!!! I run rain or shine. I got VERY SICK and had to lay off the past few days. I even had to go to the emergency room cause my airway was so restricted. Now that I am on antibiotics, my voice ought to come back and then I can run again. I saw the Doc today. He said I should vary my routine, not to wear out my knees with running only. (I am nervous about this, I am full steam ahead and so inspired) So. I am going to go get a bike... I got the Nintendo Wii Fit and am going to do that too.
M -I am trying to read and learn about my gadgets. I get them, and I never read the manuals. So I never really get full utility. I am still learning new things at work. Mainly the systems and workarounds, and how they are different than my previous employer.
S - Praying when I run. That alone time is priceless. Every time I take a step and the time it takes me to get around the park a few times, it's like I am investing in spending time WITH myself. It's quite powerful. I am realizing that I am not that bad to hang out with. Spending time alone is no longer frightening for fear of being lonely. But enjoyable because I am happier with myself. I have not being going to church because we have been watching or GOING to football. But, I will take that up again after the Superbowl. I think sometimes, God's second book - the book of nature can be just as full of lessons. I enjoy spending time in it, feeling connectedness to something greater than myself. It gives me a sense of groundedness. Skiing was fantastic the last time we went. I hope that I am well enough to go Thursday. It's so absolutely incredible to see the snow and the trees and the peacefulness. I want to try something new. Wake up every morning with gratitude. To think of what I am grateful for.
Also - SERVICE. This year is all about service. I am going to commit to find a venue to serve. This is the legacy of my father and with the inspiring leadership of our new President, I am so inspired. Grass roots service.

More later.. C

Relationship Hell

2008-12-31T20:53:00.001-08:00

Catch Up Blog.

J has had so many major emotional swings I don't know if I can deal with it. Major outbursts usually involving alcohol. This is beginning to get at my highest level of tolerance.
I want stability. I really do.

It seems that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough, keep the house well enough, behave properly enough or do exactly what she wants. In fact, I am sure of it.

The better I look and feel, the more miserable she seems to be. She compliments me all the time, but it's like she resents me. She is absolutely miserable. She just seems to making up stuff to do.

OVER REACTING...

Seems like my life is not in balance right now, especially with regard to my relationship. Trying to get past this hump. Just trying to keep the faith. She says she has excluded my family and all friends from her life. She was upset that her friend D did not come for Christmas after all that drama around it. She says she has cut off contact with him.

Tonight, and yesterday she says keeps mentioning that she is tired of me not carrying my load... HOLY SHIT. I am not exactly sure what else I could do around here. She was upset at me tonight for laughing at ourselves when we tried a new video game tonight. She took it personally and got all bent out of shape and slammed the door and locked it. This is New Years Eve...

Happy New Years Eve..

I don't want to be miserable. I am in this relationship right now and things have got to change. Love is patient isn't it? Love endures all things, love is not selfish????? I think I have to pick my timing if I am going to bring up any issues. Certainly, now, during the holidays is NOT the time.

B Belonging.. I called my aunt and grandmother today, I called 3 friends and left messages. I am bored and would like to enjoy my New Years, but too tired to do anything. I think I am going to take a pill and go to sleep.
E Emotional .. I am working on trying not to have emotional reaction to J's instability. I am trying to have an even keel. We watched Mama Mia earlier tonight and had a ball. The movie is so uplifting.
P - I have been running every day I work. 2 miles daily and tracking online.
M - I have learned alot at work and am getting the hang of it. I am sure as time goes on there will be rhythm and less challenge. Certainly not with the industry or field, but with the computer systems.
S - I went to Church Christmas eve by myself. I have missed a few weekends due to football and being sick one time. But get quite a life when I go. Usually there is a very practical message I can take and apply the rest of the week.

Thank Goodness it's the Weekend!!

2008-12-20T21:15:00.001-08:00

The last few days have been great for Jen and I.
We went on a drive to look at Christmas lights and took hot chocolate.
We printed out a map from AZ central.com and headed out.

I had some frustrations at work but nothing that won't pick up in January.
I am working on dealing with faith and trying to have an even temperment like my dad.

BIG SHOES to fill.

Here is a link to my physical fitness goals: http://nikeplus.nike.com/nikeplus/?l=training,

B - I am going to a friends Christmas party. (my old boss) J is coming. Should be interesting, some of my old friends will be there from a previous job about 15 years ago.
E- Trying to learn to not loose my temper this week. Been challenging. Mom had her surgery yesterday. She did alright. She informed me yesterday (right before the surgery, and wanted me to drive over and tell me in person) that she had 2 recent heart attacks and found out on the pre-op EKG.
P -I am RIGHT ON TRACK. Here is a link to my physical fitness goals: http://nikeplus.nike.com/nikeplus/?l=training,
M - Learning lots at work, trying to be patient with the learning curve.
S - Missed church the last few weeks, but have been trying to pray a lot this week for success at work and a special blessing on my mom's health.
F- Christmas, what can I say, although I did not spend as much as I usually do.

Accountability

2008-12-17T03:02:00.001-08:00

I wanted to share a website where I am tracking my progress on my runs:
http://nikeplus.nike.com/nikeplus/?locale=en_us&token=E9B88EF8-558F-C646-DD7E-034C8C9A0E49
It is the coolest thing. You put a sensor on your shoe and plug it into your Nano Ipod and it tracks your pace, distance and time.
On the website you can even set goals and challenge other runners.
I am excited to know that my normal daily track is 1.8 miles.
I do this 5 days a week.
I have tracked 2 runs so far and had a hard time turning off the tracking device at the last minute on my last run or I think I would have beat the time.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. I have to be sure to get the thing turned off when I hit my finish line.

B- I will go to my old bosses house next Tuesday for some social interaction with old friends.
I have invited J, I am not sure if she will go or not.
E - I am feeling less emotional today and more moments of pure energy and excitement. I am trying to remain cool undercover at work during a slow season and presure to hit goal.
P - Super on track,.. I am looking better, receving lots of compliments and not fitting previous clothing any longer. I just don't understand why the numbers on the scale are not going down.
That is kind of frustrating when you work so hard at loosing weight. I really think it is the compensating muscle weight gain. I am also lifting a 5 pound weight at work when it is slow.
I am so proud of myself for running rain or shine. I just put on a hat and a rain slicker and go.
M - I am pushing myself through some non required tutorials at work to brush up on state specifics which may help me sell more policies as the little nuanses of every state can make or break a sale and how you enter the information.
S- I have been praying that my success is in God's hands and asking for a special blessing on my success at work in particular. I am trying to imagine myself as half the person my dad was in terms of faith and patience and grace. It is a good goal to strive for. I reflect on this almost daily. I had a friend read my cards and am anxious to see the results of the reading. I believe she is gifted and curious what the message or interpretation will be.
F- I wanted the gps watch but bought the $32.00 ipod tracker for my running instead. I ate out one day this week at Cocos with Jen during the rain. Also I purchased her Christmas presents. Overall, not a huge Christmas this year, and trying to keep it realistic.

Saturday

2008-12-13T23:04:00.000-08:00

Tonight, we met another gay couple and went on a hayride. It was a great evening, but somewhat cool and a little disappointing in the light display on the hayride. It was something out of the ordinary and different and only $5 so it was an adventure. There was a small walk with luminaries and then a hayride back to the parking lot. We went out for "drinks" afterward. I kind of splurged on a vegetarian Philly cheese sandwich with grilled portabello mushrooms.. it had cheese. I took some of it out, but holy cow, I ate the whole sandwich. I will make sure to do 2 sets of leg ups and sit ups tomorrow for sure.

SO, I worked today and the day was a little frustrating. I feel like my patience is being tested at work a bit. I am trying to breath in good energy and release frustration a bit. I am keeping to my run during lunch which I am proud of. I have not missed a day. Every day I work, I run.

B - Tonight, we met another gay couple out and that felt good. They are in their 50s and not too flamboyant.. Sweet couple and great to hang out with. J drank and I was a bit disappointed with that. She was not wasted by any means, but enough to be verbally overbearing in polite conversation. I drove her home, so we will need to pick up her car tomorrow.
E- I felt slightly emotional today during my run. I was frustrated with work and kind of feel like a few things are not going as planned... I guess it was like my own little private emotional temper tanrum. I lashed out at God a bit, (like that's going to help) and then tried to remember that the same lesson will keep coming to me in different circumstances until I learn the lesson and move on. I have to learn to deal with what I cannot control and let go. Hmm.. true in many areas of my life I guess. Other than that. I think my commitment to my physical health has helped my self-esteem tremendously which has an inevitable enormous impact on my emotions.
P - Stuck to my guns this week. I took a small weight to work at my desk to use when I am bored out of my mind. I had skipped the leaning/ standing push ups the past two days I ran, but noticed my triceps tonight and kind of like how that felt. I will go back to doing those and get some heavier weights for work. Might as well take advantage of the time I am just sitting there waiting. It won't always be that slow. Still have not coordinated how to do 2 sets of my morning situp/leg up routine with my new schedule. Perhaps when I first wake up, and run the oatmeal, the 5 minutes it is cooking I can dedicate it to that, then when I get out of the shower, another set or right before I get my make up on or something. I want to do 2 sets. I want to get rid of this lower belly of fat I carry around. I hate it. It makes me feel totally unsexy and the thing I am most self conscious about when I am naked.. so it has to go.
M - I did 26 hours of continuing education this week and tired as hell of reading legal documents. What a litigious society we have become, and what money is wasted in the name of greed. Although there are circumstances where lawsuits are warranted and necessary.
S - I tried to pray during my run today. I think I will try very hard to go to church tomorrow. I feel that I need a spiritual message. A spiritual drink of water on my journey.
F - I will have to do some Christmas shopping. We bought my brother Cardinals tickets (2 tickets altogether) I have to get even with J on a few things and we have been putting it off.. I need to have that conversation tomorrow. I did go to Costco to get more pecans, almonds, dried cranberries and dried apricots. They make great healthy snacks I take to work every day. The damage was about $80 after my protein bars, but chalk it up to groceries and if I plan ahead, I think I actually spend less. Still trying to be thrifty though and live on less. I need to learn to live with less excess and stop my tendency to spend unnecessarily. I found the cutest tops at Steinmart of all places, but they were a little pricey, so I didn't buy them, but you know how you find something you really really like and pass it up then never see anything like that again? I keep telling myself.. leave it there Catherine it is not necessary. During the holidays, this is seemingly more of a challenge. Tomorrow I will do a little grocery shopping and buy the hand weights, and this week, I need to finish shopping for J. I might snap a picture of the boys in their Christmas wear for Christmas cards this year.

More soon, C

A pretty Good week

2008-12-13T05:30:00.000-08:00

Monday morning I initiated sex for the first time in months.. Heck, really in a year or so. (Yes, when I said we were BFF's I wasn't kidding) Both of us really enjoyed each other.
NO arguments this week. Better dialogue, even on some of the tougher subjects.
B - I saw and old friend this week, my dearest and oldest friend through time. We really connected and are instantly on the same page as usual. It was neat to feel that sense of fellowship.
E - I had a day or so that I felt slightly sad this week, and anxious. I have been taking anti-anxiety meds at night to help me sleep through the night. I did not take one last night which is why I am up now. hmmm... The pill usually helps me sleep through the night and a good night's sleep is important.
P - This week my schedule changed. I work till 10:00 pm. I was wondering how I would adapt with my exercise schedule. I have kept everything up daily, except only 1 set of crunches and leg ups in the morning (40) rather than two. I come home at 1:00 pm roughly and am NOT doing them then, too exhausted. Perhaps there is a way to incorporate 2 sets in before I go to work. I REALLY see a difference all over my body with my efforts. I want to continue to see the weight drop. The weight seems to be staying the same. Just when I spoke up about it, I dropped 2 pounds, but then 1 came back on again the next day.. so up and down, slightly daily, but a clear noticable difference in the shape of my body. I can feel leg muscles again and 1.5 to 2 miles a day is a great start for someone who has not run anywhere in years. I am hopful that the belly continues to go down drastically and as such, AM COMMITTED to doing two sets of the tummy exercises. I find that my commitment to my health in what I am eating and choosing not to is paying off for my self-esteem.
M - I had 4 hours of testing this week for continuing education on my insurance license. That was a bear, but it's over. This week, I will continue to learn how to be a more effective sales person and maximize my earning potential in this job.
S- This week I have prayed for success at work. I have spent some time in meditation. I have asked my oldest and dearest friend to read her "cards" for me and I asked my church via prayer request to pray for my mother. I received a nice letter that they were holding her in prayer for 30 days. She needs it. My request said something to the effect of her being at deaths door and a significant crossroads, emotionally, spiritually, and getting there physically. I don't feel that I have reached my spiritual potential this week though. I am still craving a deeper feeling of absolute deep faith and centeredness. I believe this comes from meditating and spending time "in prayer".. Maybe just time with my own thoughts. I have to make time for that. I lit a candle last night and tried to focus on that for about 15 minutes in order to focus my energy.
F- I took back the computer and software that came with it. The computer I have is still acting up a bit, but nothing I can't tolerate for a while.. Hope I don't loose it all.

On a side note, an old friend asked me to photograph her and her daughter. She asked then if I would photograph her nude... Black and white nudes. I said yes immediately. I am pretty open minded and think this is a very liberating thing for her. It won't be until after Christmas, but kinda cool none the less. I used to have a thing for her about 15 years ago, I don't any more. But we always joke about it.

J has decided that she is going to tell her friend about our relationship. This ought to be interesting. Last night she called saying he invited her to go see the Cardinals again. She said, "I wanted to run something by you and ask, even though I know the right answer and I know we have plans" I told her to go out on her date and don't worry about the old ball and chain.... she said she is choosing to be with me and doesn't consider me a ball and chain. She then told him that she had other plans. Pissed me off a little at first, but then I found a little freedom in saying do what you want. Kind of left her guessing.. I mean, the guy really needs to know she is in a relationship, otherwise I am competing for her time all the time, and I won't continue to do that.
I want her to have a friend. She has no friendships. I said.. Friend, not secret admirer.

Speaking of secret admirers, there is a guy at work with whom I really connect. There is a sense of familiarity or a spark or something. He is a bit overweight and from Iowa, but I won't hold that against him. Anyway, not that I would step out of my relationship but an interesting development nonetheless. I'll talk more about this later.

So we made love 2 x this week. It's a record. I initiated both times. Now, let's see if she does. (I know I said before I would wait, but she needs to know I am not settling for bff and if she needs to lay off the Lexapro for a day to get the steam rollin, so be it.. I sent her an email article on the matter in fact)
Funny, the better I look, the more she is showing interest and telling me I look sexy and treating me differently.
We saw 4 Christmases this week, hilarious.... Such a great movie for discussing the family tension on Christmas issue. Great ice breaker for us and a way to laugh about some of the issues.
C

Sunday

2008-12-07T22:42:00.000-08:00

Friday night was good.
I asked J to go to the APS Festival of Lights.
We sat in front of Denny's and had our camping chairs with hot chocolate and watched the Christmas light decorated parade. It was a great night. We stopped by a girl bar afterward which we had not been to in about a year. There were actually some decent looking women there. Not too many, but hope for feminine lesbians nonetheless.

Today, J went to the Cardinals game with her friend D. He has season tickets. They met at his house, and tailgated. He bought her Cardinals earrings.. She was not expecting those. I tried to tell her the other night that he may be getting the wrong idea. She said we're just buds.

Buds don't buy buds earrings.

I asked her how she was going to handle that, she said that she would.

It's good for her to have a friend, but guys think of one thing and one thing only. She is naive to this, and in a small way, feeding her ego and checking the "do I still have it? factor" I get it, I've done it.

The other night we had a decent conversation about her friend and she confessed to feeling a dilemma with outing herself as he knows all the folks in her hometown.. all of her ex boyfriends, boyfriend's parents.. etc. she said he asked about her situation and she said it was "complicated" He asked whether he should call or email at the beginning of their "re-friendship" and her response was email.. no doubt worried about my response. In a discussion this weekend, (a great one) I told J directly that her response of "email" would send the message to him that she was hiding something and to be careful of what impression she was giving him. Then today, earrings.. funny I'm right.

Tonight, when I asked her how tailgating was, she said it was great fun and that she was surprised he had it all prepared in advance. He had all of the tailgating gear and had it together. Her comment was, "I haven't been around a man who had all the details down to a T in years, and am impressed"

It's clear to me that he is into her and falling hard. The poor guy. Not that I have power over whether she would fall back, but he has no idea what he's in for.

The strange part is, even though I was initially pissed when I saw the earrings, in my heart, I have let go. What ever will be will be. I find myself not reacting the insanely jealous way I would have in the past. I think I was just too tired to care, after all, I spent over 7 hours at my mother's cleaning her entire kitchen.. throwing away so much shit... the place was disgusting...
unsanitary. It was a rather trying day for me.. quite a contrast to sitting at a Cardinal's game being cooked for. I'm glad I can vent here.

B - I felt a sense of belonging with my sister today.. Bless her heart, she came over to mom's on crutches again. Her hips look like they hurt like hell... Her physician said to hold out as long as she can for her two knee replacements..She was a trooper.. I gave her a big hug today and felt a sense of partnership in this enormous undertaking.
E - I didn't go balistic when J showed up with earrings.. that is a plus.. I kept my cool, minus a small sarcastic comment and a direct question of when she was going to "deal with it" I am surprised at the lack of usual desperation. I think a true sense of letting go is going on here. Perhaps this is a result of centering from the balance I am seeking.. ?? A hopeful and pleasantly surprising result.. Hope it stays.. Such a strikingly different place today, that this summer. This summer was a dark and desparate place a few times. Once, I actually took a gun to my head.. and...... pulled the trigger. 8 times. I was surprised that I had the courage. The gun jammed. How's that for Divine intervention? That was my all time worst. There were a few rather desparate incidents this summer. All of which involved alcohol. By the way, I had three sips of beer the other night when I went "out" after work with some new friends. It was an 'extra' at the table that someone ordered and didn't want. I ordered Ice Tea instead of finishing the drink. And, I actually had a sip of white wine the other night before J and I went to the parade. After a swallow, I put it back in the fridge. I am surprised, I don't miss the beer, I did miss a glass of white wine with dinner a little bit, but not willing to go back to the life of addiction and desparation. So this is my confession.. a few sips this week, but quickly redeemed.

P I ran every day last week, did crunches and leg ups even on Saturday. I took Sunday off. I am surprised that I don't miss fatty foods as much as I thought I would. This all started off as something I was doing to save my relationship and now has turned into something I am doing for me. I am clinging to it almost as a personal quest. Each day I leave the office to run during lunch I think that I have something powerful - a comittment to myself and a quest of determination to stick to what I started out to do. J and I met a few ladies at the "Octoberfest" who made a lasting impression on me. They were triathaletes. One was extremely attractive and I remember thinking.. wow, she has it together, I mean, she looks great, is confident, was a physician's assistant,.. I think of that woman all the time. I think, ok, first I think, I'd love to do her, but then I think, wow I admire her. She really inspired me. I keep thinking.. "I could look like that" In my head when I'm running, I imagine that I do. I feel like I do, even though I am reminded that I don't when I look at myself naked. The end result is, I am getting in much better shape and loosing size. I don't say loosing weight because.. I can't believe it.. I am staying the exact same weight for the last week or so.. I know muscle weighs more than fat and know I am building muscle by running. I also know I look so much better than I did. I saw a picture of last Christmas.. ewh... I am determined to look the way I feel inside I can look. I am determined to feel healthy. I miss being in really great shape. I miss the effect is has on my self-esteem. I am welcoming it back.
M - Took the weekend off. No reading.
S - I did not go to church this morning. We slept in, and snuggled. No hanky panky yet. How can we after such a tremulculous week or so right? I really miss sex..
F - I got my hair done today. That was $90 bucks.. It's an investment in my self esteem so justified. I had to pay $90 in alterations this week. Loosing weight has it's expense. Other than that, a few hot chocolates and a midnight meal after the parade to avoid the traffic.. $15 bucks..
I sold my quad and that will go to pay a credit card mostly off. Good timing as the 0% runs out January.

Well, I have to work my new schedule tomorrow. I will work nights. I am NOT looking forward to it. I had to push to keep myself up.. I usually turn in very early.
J fell asleep in the chair again, fully dressed in her Cardinals jersey, jacket and hat. Only a few minutes ago did she get up and go to the couch. I know she drank today, not toasted, but probably shouldn't have driven.. I have successfully avoided a discussion while drinking... DWD A painful lesson, I am just now.. finally starting to get. My dad always said, "You can't argue with a drunk, if you do, who's the fool?

2008-12-04T22:02:00.000-08:00

Monday I received an offer on my quad.
Tuesday J and I got along well.
Wednesday I sold my quad.
Thursday J and I had another discussion which turned into an argument.

B - This week, I have not done anything with any friends. I did however get together with my family on behalf of my mother to have a family intervention of sorts to get her back on her feet and functional. I belong to that family. It is dysfunctional. I am a part of it though. I don't like how I behaved really, bossy, and less tolerant. I went into a "mode" of take charge and take no prisoners. Get it, get it done, get out. I made plans with an old friend from school and it will be good to catch up. I like our friendship. We are always honest with each other. It doesn't matter if we haven't talked in years. When we get together we always cut through the bullshit and connect, even if we are different.
E - I came home tonight. J was supposed to be at a dog class. She came home all dressed up, said she went out for a drink with her friend D and went to the class to find that she was supposed to bring the dog, (usually the first class is doggy moms and dads only). So she didn't stay. She did not have her rings on. If this were a straight relationship, I would have nicked that in the butt, however I would imagine she does not want him to know she's gay, or in a gay relationship. No ring = no explanation. It also leaves room for mixed signals of availability. I honestly don't think she's interested in the guy, but seeing him for her is a boost for her self-esteem. It is getting out of the house. It represents freedom and fills a deep social need. She has very few friends. Tonight was the third attempt to have a simple conversation about Christmas. It started out well. She was irritated when she came home, but I gave her time to calm down and kind of reboot. We had a goo conversation until I asked about Dave. She was defensive and told me she was tired of how possessive I was. All I asked was what time did she go out for drinks. She brought up old situations and concluded in her mind that I was insanely jealous. (I am not, but find her behavior very interesting..) She had two glasses of wine, then the conversation went south. I am trying to talk about this in here because I am struggling to find out exactly how our discussions turn into arguments and at what point. I realized far too late that she had already had drinks before she came home, which means it was not the CHOICE time for the conversation which I intended to resolve any differences or misunderstandings. Too late. The thing that is the most disturbing is the lack of respect demonstrated during our conversations, in the way she speaks to me, the way she interrupts me and goes off on long "sermons" on tangents or insignificant points of the conversation. Perhaps this is on purpose to avoid talking,.. I mean really dialoguing about the real issues. I mean loving dialogue, not fighting and arguing. A real, constructive conversation. By the time 40 minutes had gone by, she was yelling at me, telling me I was jealous, outlining all of my failures and bad choices in the past and tying them into how she projected I am feeling now. I have to admit, sometimes I demonstrate "claiming" behavior. Like, back the fuck off... to guys trying to move in.. I am trying to protect my relationship and she feels like a piece of meat. She made a good point, let her handle it. I can deal with that. But ... these are issues of the past. Not the current issues ,and she is assuming I am jealous. She can come to a conclusion, get mad, announce an ultimatum and tell me where the door is, in one sentence, without taking a breath while increasing her temper single handedly. What irritates me is when someone tells me how I feel, projects that onto me and then keeps me in the past with statements like "you always" "that will never change", then the ultimatum. It's like a No Win situation. She got mad, went to bed, and told me to sleep in the other room. That's twice this week.
This is getting old. I think these problems are surmountable. I beleive with help or "marriage counseling" we could actually have a referied conversation to navigate our way through this. Without it, I am not sure. I guess it just depends on whether or not she drinks, whether or not the conversation is timed well, whether or not we are equally committed to finding a solution to our communication challenges. It seems that every argument we have chips away at her interest and commitment to our relationship. Come to think of it, she has never fully committed to much. Although we have been together for almost 9 years now and when she gives of herself, she gives all of herself in a caretaking sense. I believe she is emotionally disconnected from me. There have been a few sparks of connection and I think time is the answer to hopefully create opportunities for those moments to happen. She never needs "space" unless she feels trapped. But any simple question I ask is met with a highly charged emotional response. I am questioning why all the highly charged emotion?? What is going on there .. besides the obvious alcohol.
P -I met ALL of my fitness goals this week and have not changed 1 thing in my routine.
M - Learning ALOT at work
S -Prayed like hell this week on the way to work, asking for patience, and guidance, and for J's heart to be touched and anger melted away.
F -I received the laptop and will return it to Best Buy tomorrow.

Ups and Downs

2008-11-30T12:07:00.000-08:00

SO
Yesterday went better. J has trouble sleeping so she slept on the couch (something new and different) She usually comes in about 2 or so. I woke up and covered her up and then snuggled her and tried to make"nice"

We actually had a decent day. She only had 2 glasses of wine and went to bed fairly early. J again on the couch. I am not feeling that hot and took my night night pill and was out.

This morning started fabulously. I got dressed for church, looked great and felt great. J even complimented the way I looked, she actually said I looked sexy.
After church everything went to hell. We got talking about Christmas and plans. J hate being around my family. She refuses to be around my mother and her toxicity. She does not enjoy 12,000 relatives at grandmas. So, we were talking about me going to Charlies to celebrate a family Christmas then coming home. She wanted to have her friend Dave over, which I said was fine. I said, it puts a little pressure on me though to act like we are just "friends" in my own home. I am always made to feel like a guest, but that's another subject. I mentioned that, she became defensive and said she felt pressure. I told her she did not have to come out to him on my terms, and that she could decide to tell him or not when the time was right, but THEN... I got stupid. I said, if he's going to stay all day.. I'll just drive up to Flagstaff for the day. That set her over the edge. We got into a knock down drag out. She thinks I'm jealous and selfish. I was just trying to protect some part of the day to be just the two of us and it got blown out of proportion. She said she was done with this. She was tired of it being ALL about me all the time and that we could just spend Christmas separately. Just what I wanted, relationship healing and PERFECT timing no less.

It was my fault for making the Flagstaff comment when what I really wanted was intimate time alone. But she reacted and now she is gone for the day. During all of this, of course, we were stopped by a Mexican lady who said she had no money to feed herself and her sister and mother. They ran away from their abusive dad from Tucson last night. I mean RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of our fight. (where by the way she was telling me I was selfish)

I got into the car, drove to Filabertos and bought the whole family food. Then gave her the change. Their story almost came together, I was unclear on a few details, but who am I to judge. There goes another $20.00 But I hope it blesses them and if they were lying, what goes around comes around. I gave freely.

So, J was beyond pissed and yelling at the top of her lungs on the way home. She is done. The worst part is. I feel like this is the nail in my relationship coffin. It is hanging on by a thread, and I mean a thread that was just broken. We got home, she took the car and left.

Who knows, it might blow over, but I doubt it. I told her I was wrong for being immature and not communicating very well, but that didn't go over too well. I feel devastated. In fact, I wanted to kill myself. Right after going to church.. How's that for stable? I contemplated it. I even found the gun. But, I decided that it was stupid and again.. Immature.

I don't want to have drama. I don't want it in my life. But it seems that it follows me. My mama drama, my relationship drama. I was immature and she over-reacted. Recipie for disaster. Sometimes I wonder if this is worth trying to make it work. I want it to.. on many levels, I know I do. The problem is that it is very unhealthy. I am trying to work on it. I really am. But I was running up a hill and happened to step in a big pile of SHIT. Twice this weekend in fact. Two things I would do differently this weekend if given the opportunity. But now this memory will be indelibly etched into J's mind as another notch in the post of a miserable relationship.

The thing about dealing with J that I still have not learned is that when she is mad, let her be mad, don't say a thing. Later discuss it and get over it. The problem is I try to back track and apologize during the issue so that it does not become larger than it has to be and she doesn't stew for hours. I always grew up with don't let your head hit the pillow after cross words. Try to resolve conflict sooner than later.

The good news. I came to my senses. Put the gun away. Tried to get a hold of what I was feeling which is fear. Fear of loosing this relationship. The relationship that is not meeting my needs but has the potential for being repaired. The relationship that is against all odds, but we usually seem to make it through. The relationship that has been my greatest sense of joy and my deepest sense of sorrow.

Just this morning in church I was meditating and felt the deepest sense of calm and honestly felt the presence of God. I mean, that old familiar feeling of something sacred and larger than you and life. And now, misery. I'm sitting here alone in the house. Football is boring. The dogs are even depressed (they hate it when I cry).

It is such a beautiful day too. I want to go outdoors and take the dogs for a walk but I feel so shitty. My chest is congested and I feel like absolute crap so here I am.

I have to get on my knees and surrender everything. Pray from the deepest part of my soul that I can find strength, and healing and peace.. that J will calm down from her familiar and comfortable anger and overlook my immature comment, realizing that what I wanted was to hold sacred some part of that Christmas day and make it special between us. The whole point of Thanksgiving was to be greatful. I looked at the front page of MSN. It could be worse. I coul be in Mumbai. I could be in Nigeria. I could be jobless .. again. I am thankful.

I wanted Christmas to be peaceful, joyful, happy. J wants the same, but wants to open her doors to her friend. I support her in this and told her so. But have to admit, it feels awkward. She has not talked to the guy in like 30 years. Now she wants to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with him? The guy is single, been through like 4 marriages, looks like crap.. (according to her)
I wasn't trying to be selfish. But keep some part of Christmas sacred. This is the same argument she uses with me for spending it away from my family. I get it.

I guess I am being selfish. I mean she has NO friends. NONE. Since her lifestyle has changed, she has let friendships go, perhaps some that might have passed judgement, perhaps just fear that they would. She has no family except her mother and an aunt, a few very long lost cousins. Perhaps I shouldn't have made the comment and when the time came for the guest to go, I could have made my point then. I terribly communicated my feelings in this situation and hope that the consequence isn't severe knowing the timing sucked. No one is perfect. I am far from perfect.

I mean worst case scenario, even if it were unrepairable. She would ask me to move out. (She has asked before) I would have no dogs.. That would be hard. I would have friends, but that would not fill the space that even an unhealthy relationship fills. What do I want? I want to fix it. I think it is worth fixing. She has some MAJOR issues that I would have to deal with, but I think I can love her through most of those things, the others she would have to work out on her own).

I try to sit here and think of my ideal mate. I can't picture that person. I don't even know if she is female or male. I have been living this lifestyle for... oh.. 15 years or so now.. That probably won't change, but the prospects.. might as well shoot myself right now... I mean really.. they're awful. And dating again,, that's always fun, starting over. I just don't have it in me.

I'm feeling very negative today. I had to get this all off my chest. It had to come out or it would have eaten me up.

B - church gave me a sense of belonging today, my work does to an extend, my family, although it has baggage, my relationship, but it's troubled.
E - FLAT ZERO. I got like minus 10 today. Today, I will try to remain stable just for the rest of the day. I have to put good thoughts in my head. I think I have to conquer this fear of being alone. I mean, I am a fun person, most of the time. Perhaps I am emotionally immature when it come to my relationship. Maybe I'll look for a book that addresses this issue.
P - At least I did 1 set of 40 crunches and leg ups both days.
M -Gave myself a break
S - Zero. Start out well, but crashed spiritually. Reaching for my imaginary hand of God right now.
F - Out $20 bucks, Hope she pays it foward.. I gave it freely.

The Day After Thansgiving

2008-11-28T19:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, was not that great. Although I am greatful for so many things. My computer looks like it's on it's way out. I thought I had to buy a new one (my bills, my whole life incorporates a computer) So I did. I was irritable and got sick. I had a very deep massage and the flu shot just before so the writing was on the wall. I bought a new computer that I couldn't afford out of fear.
Today, I was going to cancel the order but they already sent it. I will return it when I get it. My computer doesn't seem to be having problems right now.. (knock on wood)

When I came home I talked to J about the email I sent. It was evident she did not want to get into a huge conversation about it, but she said she would work on it. I asked her what that meant and she said no more than 2 glasses a night. I asked her if that meant every night and she said she will do the best she can. (This means she knows it's a problem and will likely cut back but does not have the will power to cut it out completely)

B - J did not want to go to the cabin with my extended family. She said she wanted to do Thanksgiving in her own home in her own privacy. But later, she asked if she could invite a friend over. This is an old boyfriend of hers from YEARS ago and I am not threatened, but, I told her that I would rather spend it alone with the two of us, I wasn't feeling well, and after all, the whole point of staying here was to not around people and to relax. She said she felt sorry for him because he was driving around looking for a place to eat. (plan ahead stupid) I feel awful, because a point of contention in our relationship has been that she does almost everything aroudn the house and all the cooking. She does not work, so she has more time to do it, but I know I need to contribute more. Everything must have it's place.. (so NOT what I grew up with) but nice when it's all done. I was unable to get a hold of any family members except my mother on Thansgiving so I did not really feel a great sense of belonging. Also I was so grouchy and whiny that I made the day miserabe for J. Last night at about 2:30 am I woke up shivering and could not get warm. She got up and got blankets, gloves and a heating pad. It still took about 20 minutes.
E - Not good today. I confronted her on bumping my car with the trash bin and she exploded. Bitching about doing everything. I don't blame her cause she did do everything. All the cooking, all the cleaning, made soup. Everything. I hate that I was sick because for me, this was another nail in my coffin on my relationship. I know I don't contribute much in the kitchen and have been trying to do a much better job. I did not have the strength yesterday and she called me on it and then used it as an excuse to drink tonight. She told me I was useless and that she was getting nothing out of this relationship. After getting over being offended, I had to ask myself, when was the last time I offered to do something for her. I guess last weekend when I did the yardwork in front, but I mean something for her personally. I rubbed her shoulders in the hot tub today and she seemed to enjoy that and it set the day well. But obviously it did not end well. I think she just exploded in order to drink again. Now she is passed out on the couch. I am in the bedroom. She said her hurful things and we are round 10. This is getting old. I take responsibility for not contributing. It's like this. Her mom called, after she was done talking with J, she asked to talk with me. J got up and made the stuffing while I was on the phone with her mother. When I got off the phone, she was done. Then, when I excused myself to call my mother on Thansgiving, she made the soup. There was no discussion. When I came out, she was done. Missed opportunity #2. Then by the time it was time to do dishes, I was empty. Empty on energy and running a fever. If I had to do it over again, I would ask her to sit down and work through it knowing the impact of yet another holiday dinner executed solo. I offered to do Christmas, but she laughed, she knows I hate to touch red meat.. ughh. I think this week, I will try to surprise her with a dinner. I will download a recipe and everything. I will set candels and try to make it special. I also think instead of trying to guess what will make her happy I commit to ask her every day.... "what can I do for you today?" I have to commit to that. It has to be a visable effort or this relationship will fail.
P I did 40 crunches and 40 leg ups. I did not run, my chest is wheezy.
M - nothing
S - nothing
F - I will send the computer back as soon as I receive it. I felt very sick in my heart as I knew it would contribute to my debt but felt forced. Also, I had to buy clothes today at Kohls because I lost so much weight they were falling off. I hit the earlybird sale and got an additional 15% off because of a coupon I receive in the email. It saved me about $50.00 and I got some Kohl's cash too. Some of the stuff I bought I know I will have to take back, there was not enough time to try it on and qualify for the before 3:00 sale. So I bought 2 sizes of pants hoping to fit into one. I will take the rest back perhaps Sunday if feeling better. Seemed to be a great deal today and I'm glad I went, I couldn't imagine paying full price. By the way, another reason J is mad is because I was shopping and she volunteered to stand in line so we could get out of there sooner. I thought it was a well executed shopping attack. But she used that as amo for the later insuing argument, always doing sh*t for me. I need ideas here.

Wondering How long I can take it

2008-11-25T21:02:00.000-08:00

B - I went to see an old friend after work tonight. He gave me some good advice for my new job and I appreciate his friendship. Seeing him was part of my comittment to expanding my social network. You cannot rely on one relationship to meet all of your needs.
E - Tonight, I came home and J had been drinking. She even went to Costco to get another case. She drank to the point of not being able to hold a conversation and stumbled to bed. Her behavior became verbally combative and she became more distant the more she drank. She is lost, and looking for any life experience to drink right now. I confronted her again, though it was a mute point as she was intoxicated. So I wrote her this:

Goodmorning my love,

I hope this email finds you of sober mind.
We need to talk.

I have to tell you that I am hurting, lonely and very unhappy with your choices right now.
We have had our share of challenges and have made our share of mistakes we have tolled a hard road.
However I beleive we can experience something different together, and I believe our relationship is worth fighting for.

I asked for something specific from you and you have chosen to continue to drink to the point of intoxication almost nightly.

Tonight, you told me that the reason you drink is to avoid spending time with me.
Additionally, you told me that I could never have you in a million years.
When you drink, you become very ugly in the way you talk to me and treat me.
This is unacceptable.

Every night I can anticipate that you will pass out on the couch sitting up after getting lost in hurtful words.
When you woke up with a bloody and swollen lip, one morning I thought that perhaps that might be a reality check for you for a while.

I know you are struggling.

I am by far less than perfect and have made my fair shair of mistakes in this relationship.
I take accountability for those things.
I have had my fair share of drinking issues with bad and unexcusable behavior.
I take accountability for those things.
My behavior scared me.
The potential impact of my behavior scared me to the point of the absolute sobriety.

I don't like who I become when I drink.
I don't like who you become when you drink.

I am standing before you, imperfect and without judgement.
I am asking you to stop drinking for you & for us.

I need you in this relationship.
I miss you.

I am willing to do what I can to help you, however cannot make your decisions for you.
Every day I struggle with wondering what I can do to help you through this.
I am searching the deepest part of my soul.

There have been times that I did not want to hear what you had to say to me, when it was impacting our relationship.
I know you tried with patience and love to express your concern for my weight.
I also know that I was not in a place to hear you and had to hit rock bottom and find my own wind and motivation for change.
You were patient with me and I appreciate that now more than ever as I attempt to be patient with you.

Every night you pour another glass, it feels like a knife stabbing me in my heart.
Every night my heart rips a little more.

I understand you may not be in the same place that I am in terms of commitment to health, and I respect that.
I don't expect you to be EXACTLY where I am.
And, this is not about judgement.

But I need you to listen to me.
Please put the bottle down.

I love you
I miss you.
I am concerned about where you are.
It is clear that you are avoiding something fearful or painful.

I am asking you to choose something different.

I would like to go to see Dr. K.. to ask for help with this issue.
I trust him and more importantly, you trust him.
I am willing to go together to support you if you like.

We are both alcoholics and come from a long history of alcoholism.
That is a hard, cold reality.

I am asking you to take a stand, and cannot be more direct.
Put the bottle down, hold my hand and let's face what we need to together to get through this.

I believe in you.
I love you.

All my love,
Catherine
P - I did 2 sets of 30 crunches and leg ups today. After my frustrating night, I increased my leg ups to 40. I think I will do 40 from this point. This is my largest area of opportunity. (lower stomach) I ran for 40 minutes today. It is amazing each step I take become easier. I am grateful for my doner.
M - Each day I go to work the details seem to fit together more clearly. I am definately in a learning curve.
S - I love the time I run, I have time to think. I do listen to music, but it is also a time of reflection. I pray..from the deepest part of my soul for my partner, my love.
F - I keep bringing my own lunches. I had only Ice Tea, when meeting a friend tonight. Other than gas and what groceries J spent for Thanksgiving, I have done fairly well this week. Although I did spend $15.00 for dinner with P last night. It was worth it. (Yes, I am trying to be a tight ass, I can't afford not to right now)

Monday

2008-11-24T22:37:00.000-08:00

I had a nice weekend. We didn't do anything too terribly exciting. We saw Madegascar: Back to Africa on Friday night. Other than that, it was football and chilling.

B -I saw my old boss from 13 years ago tonight. We met for drinks (I had Ice Tea). I used to have a major thing for her. Funny how we are friends so many years later we used to "fight" all the time. I was cocky and thought I could land her. How times have changed. We laugh about it now. She is finishing her Doctorate, which is inspiring and had some great conversation and good laughs. It would be great to see her again. She was great company and kind of a kindred spirit in a way. Tomorrow I am meeting another friend. I think it is healthy to have some outside friendships.
E - I had somewhat low energy today, but it seemed to pick up after my run at lunch. Emotionally I had two swings the night before. I was whiny. I got the flu shot and think I was fighting it. I seem rather unaffected at present and don't feel a sense of sadness or neediness. J was sleeping when I came home. She was listening to her audio book and had fallen asleep on the couch. The dogs barked like hell and woke her up. It pissed her off. (Didn't help that I was out till 10:00 with a friend) She has fallen asleep again which is good. She has trouble sleeping and I thin that impacts her Greatly. She never seems to go into deep sleep. I noticed she had a few glasses of wine while I was gone. And this weekend she had 4 beers. (I am counting I guess)
P- I took the weekend off and hit it again Monday. Still doing the full running routine and 2 sets of 30 crunches and leg ups each day. I am bound and determined to get rid of that belly. I HATE IT. It is shrinking. I went to fit into my pants this morning and they are too long, I had them measured and tailored at one point, so I know I am loosing or at least changing shape. I am up 2 pounds from my lowest in this venture, but know I am in better shape. Muscle weighs more than fat, so I am trying to tell myself. I am doing all the right things. I eat very healthfully. Although, I think I am eating too many "healthy snacks" throughout the day. I seem to do best when I eat salad for dinner. Sometimes I can't handle that though. I need food, not rabbit food. But not always. I need to pay attention to my stomach. If I am not hungry for dinner, I should eat a salad. I should eat something because, by the time 9:00pm rolls around, I am snacky again and end up eating a protein bar, and I know that is worse than salad. I have been eating smoked fish and mashed sweet potato for lunch, along with a salad and almonds, raisins, dried apricots, and grapes. I rotate the main dish and try to keep the portion size small. I am trying to shrink my stomach and eat less, more often.
M - Overstimulated at work still... Learning curve.
S - I had a great Sunday at the Unity church. I actually felt free in my expression of joy. This is kind of a breakthrough. I actually felt joy. It felt great. I did not take time to meditate today. But I did learn about the Mayan calendar and want to learn more about it and apparantly it's erie predictability on world events. I will look it up.
F - Pretty good, although I bought movie tickets for Friday night and tonight, I paid my friend $15.00 for my portion of dinner. Other than that, no expenses. In fact, I collected coupons from Fresh & Easy and we use them as competitor coupons at Fry's. Each one is good for $5.00 off a purchse of $20.00 or more. If you spend $40.00 you can use two. At least Fry's honored it that way. It's like free cash. I figure, the more I can save, the better. Thank goodness gas is going down. I never thought I'd see these prices again.

Focusing Despite Being Lonely

2008-11-20T20:15:00.001-08:00

B - Today, we had a "year end event" at work. There were about 300 people. There was fake gambling and, great food, and prizes. This was one of those "cake" days at work. Let the monotony begin, right? I suppose your experience at work, life, and in relationships is what you make it. I made plans for Monday and Tuesday night next week with old friends.
E - Today, I asked J in advance to spend time together. We had not had the opportunity to spend too much time together this week. When I got home, J had dinner ready. She began drinking and I asked her not to drink. She said she would only have 1.5 glasses of wine. She had another glass of wine and I got my shoes out to exercise. I invited her to go on a walk and surprisingly she went. It was VERY short, but nice and we took the dogs. When we got back, I suggested the hot tub and she offered to rub my back (I always have this huge knot under my shoulder blade). The hot tub was nice and when we got out, she kept her promise. By this time she had about 3 or 4 glasses of wine. I was disappointed that she had already left me but grateful she was making an effort at all. After that, I could tell she was half in the bag. We sat down to watch t.v. and I pulled out the laptop knowing she was just going to pass out. She asked me to put it away and I did, I suggested we turn off the t.v. and talk and we tried, but she was too gone to hold a conversation. I told her directly that I was disappointed that she couldn't keep her promise to be sober, even for one night. Right now she is passed out, once again, on the couch about 2 feet from me. This is a lonely, very lonely place to be. I am grateful however, that I have been focusing so much on myself because it makes it sting less.
P - Because we had the year end event at work, we did not have lunch so I didn't run/walk my regular 45 minutes. However I did 2 sets of 30 crunches and leg lifts today, and a small walk with J. It was brought to my attention that my 20 year reunion was in April. Maybe that's a good long term goal. I want to look hot. I mean damn hot. You know like healthy hot. This whole week. Every day, I am almost running. I call it Power walk, shuffle run. I am trying to take it easy on my knee, but condition it. I have done this every day this week, plus the crunches and leg ups. One day I only did half of the crunches though. Still a big step forward to run. I thought I'd never do that again. Every step I take, I think about the person who donated their ACL to me. Every step. It's kind of surreal.
M - This has been a challenging week with learning the new systems, ins and outs, and ALL the exceptions. We were tested and I had the highest quality score in the class, which made me feel good, but I expected it as I have the experience.
S - Tonight, I will read a small excerpt from a hand out from unity. A title of "gratitude" caught my eye last night. Also, I think I need some meditation time to ask for clarity on how to handle my relationship. I will pray. The kind of prayer my dad use to pray with the kind of blind faith he used to have. It was the ROCK in his life and saw him through the most challenging of circumstances. Although, I choose NOT to be an enabler. Remember I refused to buy any more alcohol and haven't since this summer. I have not had any alcohol since Oct 5. It feels like forever, yet it's only a month and a half. I don't miss it, although a few times, I caught myself having an impulse to have a drink.
F- I did NOT spend any money today. In fact I got some back. Sprint billed me incorrectly and I fought it. So they adjusted it. Also, when I was waiting for a friend to meet me after work at a bar, I did not drink and did not eat anything.. I had Ice Tea. I am my own cheap date. LOL

Monday

2008-11-17T21:12:00.000-08:00

B - Today, I went to see one of my dearest friends. She lives near me and we used to work together. I have not seen her in many months. What was great was that we are both on good path in our lives right now. It was neat to see her so committed to her spirituality. I miss her friendship greatly. At one point, we were so close, I was unsure of the depth of my feelings for her. We never crossed that bridge, but there was definately connection on a very deep level. I am glad that boundaries were never crossed as our friendship has remained sacred. I miss her.
E - Tonight I feel lonely. I came home to find J had gone out with one of her friends impromptu. That she went out with her friend was a good thing for her considering her lack of social life. He is an old X boyfriend. I don't feel threatened by him, but know she has not shared her lifestyle with him and sometimes that leaves room for the impression of being single and available. I trust she would maintain appropriate boundaries, but I was pissed she didn't leave me a message on the cell saying that she would not be home when I got home. I had to make other arrangements for dinner and could have planned something on the same night so we both have outside social time without sacrificing couple time. The bummer.. and I mean BUMMER of it all was that when I got home she was trashed. I asked her to go to the hottub and she did, but then left about a few minutes without saying a word. This drunk absence is reaking havoc on my relationship and creating quite a bit of loneliness for me. It seems lately that she drinks to the point of being "checked out" .. slurring words and incapable of a descent conversation at least 2 to 3 times a week. At some point I will have to draw a line, although I am trying to confront it softly, knowing the impact will be the loss of my relationship if I draw too hard of a line with it. I too, had severe alcoholic behavior no more than a few months ago. Let's just say my behavior was unacceptable, dramatic, violent and even dangerous. It could have ended very badly. Since that time, I have not had ANY alcohol. I can't expect that J will make the same choice. It has to be on her terms and her choice. However perhaps with finesse, patience and ALOT of prayer, I can let her know what I am and am not willing to live with on a long term basis. I felt happy today, not overjoyous, but almost content. I was really proud of myself for exercising today and that has a lot to do with my emotional being. I think the strategy of walking away from J in terms of any conversation, interaction etc. when she is drinking is the best one. Avoidance.. with conversations about how it affects me later, when she is sober. I am trying to be patient because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is going through a difficult time. She has not been in the job market for about 8 years and is feeling financial pressure. Also she lacks purpose. She has closed herself off from any friends in the past because of our lifestyle and is just now opening up to a few friends, which I am trying to encourage. It is sad to see someone you love so much .. so lost and it DOES affect me.
P - Great today, I powerwalked 45 minutes, and 2 sets of 30 crunches and 30 leg lifts. I also did something new, push ups standing up so that some of my body weight is being lifted, but not much. Good place to start for being so out of shape. I imagine myself in great shape again and feeling good about myself. What's neat is I am actually feeling better about myself and it is impacting my self concept, my emotional health and my capacity for JOY in any given day. I want to have great legs and a flat tummy again and am working towards that.
M - Today was challenging at work. I had moments of realizing how complicated a simple process can be with a multitude of exceptions for every situation. That will come, but the navigation will just be accomplished by repetition. Tomorrow we have folks coming in from quality to evaluate our performance. Not too worried, but want to be smooth and it feels like a performance rather than a conversation. (Of course the conversation is staged and a practice)
The system is not set up in a way which make closing a sale smooth.
S - Fantastic, I had a great spiritual connection with my friend tonight. I will pray for J as she is asleep sitting up on the couch, yet another night. I will pray for clarity and guidance and spend a few minutes in solitude tomorrow .. meditation during my walk, instead of listening to the ipod.

F - I spent no money today except driving to work. :0

Sunday

2008-11-16T20:08:00.000-08:00

Today, I talked with J about her drunk comments and abusiveness when she drinks. It was just a comment or two, but I told her how it made me feel and I told her that I did not want it in my life anymore. She did apologize and took responsibility. She seems to be a total different person the next morning.

B - We went to church today. We sat in the back row where there are some familiar lesbian faces. All of them couples over the age of 60. When I first noticed them several months ago, I thought they were kind of cold. However, the last few weeks, we've sat next to them. They are so welcoming and are so excited to see us everytime we show up. Some of them have been together for over 37 years. I find that incredible. And while I may not have much in common with them (I don't know yet), I have a sense of sisterhood and acceptance. One of them was hilarious. They invited us over to play cards. I thought that was really nice. I really felt a sense of belonging and suddenly, they weren't strangers.
E - Today, was great. No major blow outs. Not even minor ones. J and I actually spent some great time smoking fish and chicken and watching football. We sat in the hot tub and just chilled out. It was great.
P - I did 3 sets of 30 sit ups and crunches today. My weight is not going down though. In fact, I am up two pounds.. What the ^&U*? Anyhow, It's muscle ...right? (That's what I keep telling myself). It seems that I am burning quite a few calories each day. Perhaps I am eating more than I am burning. Or, I am gaining muscle .. , really, I kind of feel a difference in my legs to be honest... the muscle.. lol
M - Took a day off from any particular reading or mental challenge. Monday is tomorrow.. You understand.
S - Today, we went to church. It was fantastic, and we had moments of meditation that made me feel at peace. I was thinking. Yesterday was the 3rd year anniversary of my dad's passing. Today, in church I was thinking of how much I miss and appreciate the "sacredness" feeling of being in a sanctuary and the many memories of incredibly moving music. Often played by Barb. Those memories are DEEP within my subconscious and speak to my feeling of safety. I hold them sacred. Those rare moments where you connect with other human beings and to a deeper awareness of yourself and God (if you will) and suddenly, all of the difference goes away. The message was about Joy and experiencing joy. Sometimes you have to face the pain to experience and appreciate the full blessing of joy. OK somedays I'm like. Joy, yeah sure. Especially when I am paying my credit card bill. But knowing that I will pay it off someday and making that effort makes it all the more reason to celebrate it FULLY and experience joy to a different degree than if I had not felt that pain. Pain teaches me. I have to ask myself, what is the lesson here.. in every circumstance I encounter. I don't think the concept is .. Joy Joy Joy, happy happy happy.. lol Or that everything good is God. Life is a wonerfully dynamic experience and our experience can be like a pendulum. Swing into pain, swing into joy, and so on, so that at some point we end up BALANCED. I remember an assignment my major professor gave us to journal on what we interpreted the meaning to be: What lies within ME. (and) What LIES within me. After today, I was thiking.. about my potential, what I am capable of.. I was also thinking of what LIES within me. What I don't want to face. How easy it is to get "Busy" in life to hide what you are trying not to deal with. .. interesting.. and more thoughts later.
F - I gave an offering today. I remember if I give freely, the abundance of heaven will be opened up to me, more than I can receive. I claim that promise.

Saturday Night

2008-11-15T20:51:00.000-08:00

B - Well I can't believe I got together with Kim S, Stephanie L, and believe it or not, Lisa O. Out of the blue on facebook. We got together Thursday, had a few good laughs and caught up on each other's lives. It was great fun and reminded me of what fun feels like with girlfriends.
E - No major swings this week. I had a frustrating day on Wed, and 1.5 hour long drive home, and was a little depressed, but not overwhelmingly so. Also, it didn't last too long. Today went well. J had a doggy agility class to go to and I did all the yardwork and took the dogs to the park. Later, we went to the Fountain Hills Art Festival. It was perfect. The weather was perfect, the music was good. The afternoon was super. I realized on the way home that today was the 3rd year anniversary of my dad's passing. I got a little emotional in the car on the way home, but recovered fairly quickly. I thought J and I would enjoy the evening. J watched a football game and I wanted to look at some music on the computer. She kept competing for my attention. I complained of an earache and she offered to rub my neck. She began drinking and then she started complaining about the inequality of our relationship. It turned into a lecture and within only 3 glasses of wine, she was slurring herself into an argument. She tried everything she could to start one. She even brought of the very bad night we had about 2 months ago. D day. She made many comments to try to get a reaction out of me. I did not respond. Finally, she demanded a conversation. She told me that she was giving 99% in this relationship when it came to what we were doing for each other. Personally, I don't feel this is the truth. The truth is, she does not work and has all the time in the world to cook, clean and do errands etc. I wonder if she could make the mortgage if I was not paying what I was monthly. If so, certainly not for long. She complained that when I rub her, I fade out and drift and loose interest. At times that is true, I admit, however not always and certainly not since she mentioned it the first time. This fading syndrome, she is equally guilty. It's like she offered to rub my head tonight and faded within 30 seconds. She began drunk talk and ranting about stuff. I confronted her on the lack of intimacy in our relationship. She blamed it on me being overweight. This is a conversation we had before. Granted I was badly overweight and am still but have lost 32 pounds. I am feeling better than I have in years about myself and she sees this. I think she is jealous of my new "wind" yet at times, happy for me. The sad part is, she has laid down the terms. There is not going to be intimacy until I reach an acceptable weight to her. So in essence, her love for me is conditional. One one hand I don't blame her, who wants to make love to a slob? On the other hand, that is extremely disheartening and seems shallow. She is overweight as well, not as badly as I am, but certainly not the person I fell for initially physically or even emotionally. To be honest her alcoholism is a turn off. I mean really, here it is 10:00 on a Saturday night and I am once again lonely. I can almost expect to be disappointed lately. She drinks about a bottle a day. She get's it from Costco by the case. I refuse to pay for it. That started about a year ago. You should have seen her facial expression when I told her I wasn't paying for her habit any longer. It's an expensive habit. I am so saddened and disappointed that yet another night ends in drunk banter and verbal punches. You know how sometimes when people get drunk they "accidentally" tell the truth. I wonder if her perspective is really as skewed as she leads on. I mean the things she says are way out there. Like, she is the reason I have a roof over my head. Please, I own my own home, I just choose not to live in it. I pay rent, much more than if I were to go to an apartment on my own. Also I don't think she'd make it on her own financially. Who can't work for 8 years and survive??? I'll tell you who, someone who has a roomate who pays rent and buys all the groceries. I feel like I am a roomate, speaking of the word. I told her that tonight. By the way, this was not a very passionate or overly emotional conversation tonight. This was very matter of fact, not yelling.. I tried everything in my power to choose my words carefully not to ignite a drunken rage spitting hateful words. I hope that we can survive this. I want to try. I want to see us find that "thing" we once had. I don't think it ever goes back to the nights of hours of sex or the passion and curiosity you have when you are first together and everything is new. Emotional healing must come first. I am to blame for some of my actions. My drunken actions. They were pretty bad. My strategy... Just move forward. Try to reboot each day and look forward.
P - I have walked 45 minutes every single day. I have 30 crunches and 30 leg ups every day except one. I am power walking too. My knee is telling me to slow down a little, but most days, I look forward to the time and have the energy to do it. Only once, Friday, I was not really all that excited about it. I have been drinking PowerAid Zero. No bad stuff. I add Emergen C's to it and it has all the vitamins and nutrients, no carbs or that awful high fructose surup. I seem to have ALOT more energy by eating healthfully, exercising, eating my vitamins, and extra Calcium for the hereditary bone issues. I go through about 2 to 3 packets of Emergen C's a day. A noticable difference.
M - I am feeling better about learning the systems at work. It is coming together now like a pattern, although not a whole picture yet. I am getting smoother and don't sound like a complete blundering fool any more. This is progress. There is enough learning and mental stimulation at work. I have been holding off on any extracurricular reading for now.
S - I found myself stopping to mentally send off a quick prayer multiple times this week. I have asked for guidance and clarity at work. I have asked for a clear path in my life to open up. I will pray for J. She is struggling with the adjustment of me going back to work and has nothing to do. It is evident she is stuggling. I will pray for her. I will ask for purpose and joy and release from her past. I will ask for God to help her put the bottle down for a while.
F - Pretty good. I brought my own packed lunch all week. I have not purchased any food at work or drinks. I did buy movie tickets at Costco and we went to dinner at Valle Luna's. Also I bought two CD's at today's fair but I loved them and I can scrimp somewhere else in the budget. I am really trying to scrimp on everything cause I have not received a paycheck yet and will be making about 1/2 of what I was before for a while until commissions come into the picture.

4/5 My spirit is not being fed as much as I could feed it. I will lean on this next week.

Final thoughts, I am really disappointed in J tonight. Lonely is getting old. As I become more focused on myself and improving myself, I am improving what I have to offer, not only to J but to anyone else and the world in general. My self-esteem is improving. Guys are actually starting to look at me again. My wife actually touched my leg in the movies the other night. She actually flirted with me. I must be looking better right? Not sure if this all has to do with the way I look or her own issues. One day, she didn't even get off the couch, but to pee, and eat. She is depressed and I am sorry for that, but I can't change that for her. Look forward, smile in love and be available for those spontaneous moments .. that's all I can do.

C

2nd Week of Work

2008-11-10T17:54:00.000-08:00

Today we spent a great deal of time learning the software. I feel like a grandma going to Vegas for the first time. There is sh*t flying all over the screen and the type fonts compete for your attention. I imagine I will get familiar with the system navigation and be capable of having a fluid conversation at the same time soon. Feels like riding a bike for the first time, knowing you have no idea how to go up the curb. LOL

B - Today I befriended a young gal in training. She is young in her professional development, overweight and immature. I noticed that no one is befriending her and I make it a point to eat with her a few times a week for lunch. She was unprepared for lunch the first time, but I noticed this time she actually bought little ziplock baggies. This was a big step forward because she was completely unprepared for lunch the previous week. She seemed pleased with herself that she got little "baggies". I mentioned that she should get them at the $1 store and she had no idea. Shit I buy lots of stuff at the dollar store now. What's worse is I get excited about it. I love deals. I even buy bell peppers at teh dollar store. Red, Green and Yellow peppers come in a package of 3 all for $1. YOU CAN'T BEAT IT.
E - J and I kind of "made up" last night about 30 minutes after a heated discussion. I try to come from a place of understanding. Granted, my life has been a 180 for about a month now. I felt centered and content today. I didn't have any mood swings which is a great place to be. In the past, they got pretty drastic. It's great to know I am not on any medication for mood stability and I am actually feeling stable. After being on anti-depressants for more than 5 years, you would think it would be some serious UPs and DOWNs. I did have MAJOR swings after going cold turkey off the antidepressants this summer. I even got suicidal. I hate to admit that but it is true. Now, I seem to be so happy. Strange. I know the medication levels you out. I guess I am feeling the effects of natural highs... Funny I miss those.
P - I felt centered today and walked during lunch. I did the "full circuit" There is a park across the major street by my job and it has a SUPERB walking path. I don't know if I will get long enough lunches to enjoy that all the time, but at least until Dec 4 when my schedule changes.
M - Learning new software.. enough said
S - I did nothing in particular relative to spirituality today. Maybe I will reflect a little tonight when I hit the sack.
F - I didn't spend any money today except gas. I am pleased with the gas mileage I am averaging about 23 -24 mpg and gas is coming down so that is good. My first few checks will suck as this is just base pay and we are not even in production until December. I am having to adjust seriously as I am now making about half of what I was making. For now, until I can get commission.

4/5

Sunday Night

2008-11-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

B - Belonging, today, my aunt and uncle came over for lunch. It was nice, cause they hadn't been here before, but the visit was brief and the conversation was a bit superficial. I called Charlie, he is having terrible times lately.. more on this later. It was nice to talk with him and he should be out of the Navy by the end of the year.
E - J and I were playful this morning waking up. She seemed to respond to silliness and we woke up in good spirits. J and I did not have any conflicts all weekend. (I worked my ass off to make this house perfect)until tonight when I brought up the money subject. She immediately blew up and said I was pressuring her. We need to get even and this time is different, she owes me. We got into a verbal match this evening.. (a few moments ago) She always ends up with sarcasm towards my new energy. She makes comments such as you "found Jesus" and she is tired of me "pressuring her" to exercise. (I ask her to walk with me in the mornings and she initially said she wanted to do it, but when it comes down to it, her heart is not in it) Her reaction to my path right now is sometimes supportive and sometimes sarcastic and jealous. I call home at lunch and am walking and ask her what she is doing and .. she is sitting on the couch being depress. The contrast in our lives right now is becoming more apparant and evident. Wax and wane I guess. I respect that everybody waxes and wanes in their personal committment. She mentioned it was a hell of a shock to adjust to and I understand that. Where I was a month ago to where I am now is a 180. I guess that would be an adjustment, but it is paying of for me and something I have to do. So, I don't want her to feel pressure to be a better person.. I will be less willing to share my personal victories with her because she feels threatened. Kinda sad really. I feel a little lonely in that I want to share my joy and excitement and personal daily triumphs with my partner, and my partner is not in the same place.
P - 30 crunches and 30 leg ups 2 x a day.
M - Not much this weekend. But good to have some time off
S - Today J and I went to church. The message was good, but I didn't feel as connected to it as I have with other messages. We met some other lesbians there, they were all older ladies with whom we would not have much in common, but they were nice.
F - Not good, I bought and Ipod.

4/5

My first week at work

2008-11-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

Nov 4 - 8

B - I went to my mother's home to help her with a few things she is not physically capable of doing. Our relations have been strained due to her behavior, addictions and mental illness. She was greatful for the visit and seemed deeply depressed. I am trying to encourage her to do 3 things a day and get out to walk. She cannot do too much as her arm is broken. She is is not scheduled for surgery for several weeks. She must be in so much pain. Her arm has been broken for over a year. Anyhow, tis a subject for another day. I have been trying to forge new relationships at work contact old friends on facebook. It's amazing who you find and what they are up to.
E - I have been a little distant and not sharing my every thought. I have been doing a lot of reading and of course J and I have been adjusting since I am back at work at my new job. It has given me time to myself when driving and I walk on my lunches. So, pulling back a little so our circles are not as enmeshed has been a good and healthy thing. I noticed however she seems a bit withdrawn and depressed lately. She is drinking (red wine) every night, although not to the point of a major behavior change. We have had no conflicts this week. I think that as I have stood up to her immediately at the point of disrespect, it has changed things for the better. The book I am reading is helping. I read a chapter each day at lunch so I am still making progress. And I try to apply it to my relationship. I miss the intimacy though. Today, (Saturday) we stayed in bed and snuggled. It does not feel as intimate as it once did and there was absolutely no sexual element whatsoever which is sad and disappointing to me, but perhaps not the right timing. I WILL NOT make this advance first. I will let her come to me. I have made efforts to kiss her (small kisses) and small touches here and there, but none sexual. I am waiting on her. I know she lost interest for a while, and I was heavy, REALY heavy. The heaviest of my life. But now, I have dropped nearly 32 pounds and am looking great. I see her looking at me occassionally as if some spark is there and an attraction, and she mentions that I look good every time she sees me in a new work outfit and I am off to work or something. So, I know there is attraction. I think she is in such a deep depression that it is difficult for her to give much to the relationship. If she had a job, she would feel better about herself. She has been out of the job market for almost 8 years now. I believe a human needs to find meaningful work. We will see what happens this weekend and if there is any attempet on her part. (I miss sex GREATLY) There have been moments when we do kiss that I don't feel the same excitement or passion that I used to. I love her, but am I still IN LOVE with her? If you don't water the plant, it dies. You know? Hopefully, it rekindles. We will give it some time. I don't want to feel like roomates and REFUSE to live that way for much longer. We will see how this strategy plays out.
P - I have exercised each day this week. 30 crunches, 30 leg ups 2 times a day and walking for more than 40 minutes each time each day. ON TRACK. I thought I would loose more weight by now. I went down to my lowest in a while, but woke up this morning and .. another pound up. I hate that, but guess it's normale to fluctuate from day to day.
M - I am learning each and every day at work - lots of mentaul stimuli.. I am going to make flashcards to try to remember all the information so that it is second nature to me. I think this will be a better plan than just sitting back and waiting for the moment I don't know something to look it up. It may make for less stressful days ahead.
S - I have been praying, athough have not read my daily prayer book lately. Sometimes that gets to be too much. I DID however determine my person VISION and MISSION STATEMENT.
F- Financial - I did not spend any money on lunches this week, and did not go out to dinner. I packed my own. I did not buy any drinks. I planned ahead and bought them at the store (88 cents PowerAide Zero). Additionally, I am keeping receipts on EVERYTHING I buy so that I can have a better accountability to myself.

VISION STATEMENT:

To live each day ACTIVELY ENGAGED in reaching my POTENTIAL within BALANCE

MISION STATEMENT:

Each day, I am committed to stepping forward in ALL areas of my life.

Belonging (social)
Emotional
Physical
Mental
Spiritual
Financial

Today I summited AGAIN

2008-11-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

B - Today I will call my sister and tell her I love her. I will also call Barb and leave a message to let her know I am thinking of her and want to get together. Additionally I will respond to my facebook folks (professors) to try and re-engage in dialogue there.
E - Today I have had no conflicts. J woke up a bit moody and I hiked by myself and asked her to join me in taking the dogs to the park. I was on one because I had already hiked and was full of energy. After she had her diet soda, she got it together. No conflicts.
P - Today, I hiked and SUMMITTED. I did 30 sit ups, 30 crunches and plan to do another set tomorrow. I also started a new exercise for my arms with a resistance band. I need to make sure and balance the way I am working out and I don't want to fork out for a gym membership.
M - Today, I will read a chapter or two in my book Love Must Be Tough. I will be glued to the election results all day. It is my quest today to understand fully electoral votes. I know you need 270 to win, however what impact does the popular vote have on the winning candidate? We all know this was an issue when Bush stole the presidency 8 years ago and I know electoral votes had somewhat to do with it along with "missing" votes and voter intimidation. If Barrack does not win, I anticipate some rioting.. (just my thoughts)
S - Today, I will continue to think about my personal vision and mission statement.

5/5

2008-11-04T13:19:00.000-08:00

B - Yesterday, I found my major professors on facebook. All three of them wishing me well. I remember how inspiring they were and feel such energy in their posts and attitudes. It is quite remarkable
E - Yesterday I stood up for myself in a VERY small verbal exchange. These seem to be decreasing and becoming less explosive. The disrespect seems to be subsiding somewhat. I am trying to catch each and every occurance to retrain the way I want to be spoken to. I know this will take at LEAST 3 weeks if not more to change bad habits. Additionally, it will need to be sustained. We shall see. I have been obviously committed to my self, growth, personal agenda and priorities and somewhat less divulging on all the details. It is working. I am remembering to engage in this process with love and pleasantness.
P - I did NOT exercise today, however I did work on my triceps in a chair (military style)
M - I read quite a bit of political material yesterday.
S - I prayed yesterday and J and I prayed together before both meals. I prayed outloud for healing in our relationship. I need to get on the ball with reading the rest of my book and I got a few more at the library I can take to work to read on breaks and lunch.

3/5

2008-11-03T04:41:00.000-08:00

B - I expaned my group of facebook friends significantly and reached out to old college friends
E - I went to lunch at my Aunt and Uncle's in Friendship Village. We were dressed up from church. This is the best I felt about myself in long time. I looked good and knew it. Subconsciously, this had a great impact on my self-esteem. Also, (significant development tonight, J expressed some interest tonight in a playful flirty type of way. I didn't jump on it like I would have in the past. I haven't had any in so long, you'd think I would have jumped on it, but I played it cool. I need to let her come to me. Let her initiate and take the lead. It was flirty sexual play but not necessarily foreplay. She did try to kiss me several times. She had 2.5 glasses of wine at the time and the smell turned me off frankly. (Never had that happen before, hmmm) I didn't reject her, but didn't jump all over it either. This is part of the strategy in James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough book I am reading. Pulling back a little rather than THROWING myself at her every time she snaps
P - I did not exercise today again, (kind of mad at myself) I felt tired and was out at social events all day. However I did chose salad for dinner and still no soda or alcohol for almost 1 MONTH now. Somehow, I went up .5 pounds.. -waterweight??-
M - listened to a great message about utilizing my spiritual gifts and read multiple political articles today
S - Great message in church today about defining my own Vision, and Mission statement. It is true if you are shooting a gun and you don't have a target, you are all over the place, yet if you have a target, or in my case a vision, you have something, some ideal to aspire to, and the mission is just how you are going to get there. So, my vision for myself is under construction and my mission is to practice forward movement in all areas of my life. I think I will add the additional financial element.

4/5

Reconnecting

2008-10-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

B - Today I found my major professor online on facebook. It was great to touch base with him. He inspired me in so many ways when I was a student.
E - Today, I stated out loud that my relationship was "in the shitter". The response was "It's not in the shitter, we just have a few probems" The good news is J sounds like she wants to work on the issues. Credit me for having the courage to open dialogue.
P - Today I hiked the mountain by myself. J chose not to go. I summited. This is a great accomplishment. I have not summited for a few years.
M - Today, I took a break
S - Today I prayed for Barbara at the top of the mountain. I asked for guidance and peace in her life. In my meditation, I came to the conclusion that I should add another category to my 5. Financial.. Yeeks..I will give that some thought.

4/5

2008-10-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start blogging again.
I wanted to journal to provide clarity and consistency in my life.
As if YOU are the witness to my life.

I have only been this deep at one other time in my life, when dad passed.
And now, life's circumstances have waxed and waned again to bring me closer to a deeper side of myself which I hold sacred and in which I find great strength.

I am seeking TOTAL BALANCE in my life, actively, each day.
I have taken on the challenge of setting a goal in 5 areas of my life:

Belonging (social)
Emotional
Physical
Mental
Spiritual

Each and every day I take a step, no matter how big or how small, in ALL 5 areas.
Some days the steps are small, some days the steps are significant.
Some days I get a 3/5, because I worked on only 3 areas of my life.
The more I work on ALL areas of my life simultaneously, the more balanced and fullfilled I become.

This began as a theory, and as I began to practice Life Balancing, I became more balanced, and more satisfied. I noticed that I was making progress. For the first time in a long time in many areas of my life. I am making progress with my health, (weight-loss) in my relationship, with my depression, and with general direction in my life. I am beginning to water long overdue relationships with family and friends and am finding myself experiencing moments of personal contentment. Actual contentment. I find myself going to sleep at night with a sense of accomplishment.

Trust me, I am not where I want to be in ANY area of my life. I have not reached my end goals by any means. I am, however, making progress. PROGRESS. It feels great just to say it.

I hope to post my progress as often as I can.
I have been committed to this for 3 weeks now, which is pretty good for me.
I tend not to stick with anything for too long. It's my personality's desire to have some unpredictability, absence of structure in order to foster creativity. I AM an artist and as an artist, I must paint my life as I see it, as I live it and as I experience it, with TRUTH. With Barbara as my inspiration for truth telling, I will give myself permission to talk about ALL things.
No sacred cows.

With that said. The only acronym I could come up with to remember the BIG 5 was BE PMS.
LOL.

B: Belonging (social)- Today, I reached out to blog my life experience again to be witnessed by friends and strangers. I contacted a friend I used to work with whom I am concerned about. She has cancer, and beat it for a while. Now she is not responding to voicemails. I contacted a mutual friend who might be able to make contact and am waiting for a response.

E: Emotional - Today, I stood up for myself in my relationship. J was drinking red wine and as characteristic of alcoholics began to attempt to engage in a verbal battle in the middle of a movie (Lorenzo's Oil) - great movie by the way. All of the sudden, the DVD stopped reading and the movie stopped. J thought I selected a chapter too far ahead of where we were and proceeded to profess my selfishness because she did not recognize the scenes. I found the exact place the movie got stumped and pressed pause. J proceeded to deploy her highly specialized skills for reminding me that this was her house and that I could just leave, sleep in the guest room (where I have been by choice for the last 3 days). She forbid me from pushing "play" on the remote and demanded that I engage her in a "discussion" where she attempted to pigeon hold me with questions to which I should only answer "yes" or "no". I restrained myself SIGNIFICANTLY by being conciously aware that this was a "baiting" attempt brought on by alcohol. I did not raise my voice. I did not respond to any questions. I simply announced my intention to watch the rest of the movie. She said she was going to go to bed in the other room and I simply said, "ok". When that did not have the intended result (mental chess) she continued to demand that I shut the movie off and "talk". I stated my intention to watch the end of the movie. She insisted that I was avoiding the "discussion" of our problems. Mind you, we were 50% through the movie and she has had 4 glasses of red wine. (Not much by her standards, but enough to "TRIGGER" that change in personality where deep rage is hidden). I simply started the movie and she fell asleep. I consider this success tonight as I have SUCCESSFULLY avoided a huge knock down drag out. However realize that this is SHORT term success in living with an acoholic. I had a HUGE come to Jesus experience after the Octoberfest this year, which I will discuss later. As a result, I have chosen to eliminate alcohol from my life. I am not sure if this will be forever, but it is definately a commitment right now. I don't drink, and I don't pay for alcohol any more. I am sending a message to both my mother and my wife. The message is clear and each and every day as I continue to stand up for myself and demand respect with words and action, I feel EMOTIONAL healing. Respect is the current battle in my primary relationship which is far from perfect. In fact, it is plagued with problems, but worth working on. I am committed to take daily steps toward gaining respect in this relationship even if I loose the relationship in the process. Otherwise, I am not being true to myself. I am reading LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. It is written by someone traditionally extremely conservative, however I am gaining SO MUCH from the book and will refer to it quite often.
P: Physical - Today I went to vote and the line lasted 4.5 hours. Luckily, there was a gym there. I worked out for 1.5 hours, cardio and machines. I am not a member of a gym any longer (can't afford it) and have had to walk or hike or do sit ups and crunches as my budget will allow.
I did 30 sit ups and 60 leg ups (2 sets of 30).

M: Mental - Today, I went to the library and checked out two new books. I will not start them until I am finished with LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. I watched Lorenzo's Oil which inspired me to welcome a quest of any sort. If I don't know a word, I look it up. I may complete a crossword, learn something new, read an article, or something of educational value / mentally stimulating. No matter how small.....

S: Spiritual - Today, I will read my daily devotional, I missed this morning, but will read it tonight. I don't want to read it every day. I need variety in the way I approach this. Meditation, Reading, Attending a service, Prayer, Spending time in nature. I don't think of it as religion, but rather a moment where I feed my spirit at any point in my day. Today, I prayed for my friend Barbara who has inspired me to be truthful and has been a WITNESS to my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly, and sometimes absent, but never for too long. I have not kept up with her blog, but read the part about missing "faith". That had an impact on me. I do believe it serves a human need to believe in something larger that humanity, something, some force more powerful than human capacity. It is evident to me, that this was THE VERY GIFT that my father gave to me over and over and over. FAITH. I see it as FAITH as the SHIELD in life, and TRUTH as the SWORD. We are all warriors with passion and purpose. When you find yourself in a battle, I hope you feed your FAITH and rely on the shield made of something stronger than YOU. My SHIELD is weak and malnourished. That is something that I would like to work on in this category at some point. Right Now. It is Awareness of my own spirit and it's connectedness with something greater. Tonight, I will pray for repair in my relationship with my creator. I won't refer to this as "God", because I am tired of the RIGHT WINGED BROW BASHING "Christians" over using this concept and it has negative connotation. I like to call it "Creator". It gives me a sense of belonging and purpose. SO: I pray for Barb tonight and pray to reconnect with awareness of a deep spiritual self.

5/5

whatthefuck

2007-06-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

wmen fuckinsuck.
goddamn
iamtellingyou somethin else.
UpdwnUpdwnUpdwn.
whthefck?

dramaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Ahhh.. Puerto Rico.. I am smiling again

2007-03-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

Time Is On My Side

2007-02-11T04:30:00.000-08:00

YourInsidemyheadnow

2007-01-02T22:52:00.000-08:00

I got my sister's kids their first bikes.
You should have seen the look on their faces.
I'm free, I'm free!!!!!
I want a good life for those rascals.
I look at children and they have such joy over the simplest of things.
I will take that with me and try to look up every once in a while from the books and computers and smell the roses.

Thankful

2006-11-25T04:50:00.000-08:00

Although life is not what I expected, I am grateful for it and the people in my life. The challenge: to love with arms wide open while the shutters bang in the wind and my imperfections are evident to all. In the end, this is my life.

YourInsidemyheadnow

2006-11-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

http://video.msn.com/v/us/msnbc.htm?g=D80FC1FD-B20B-47C8-85DE-245B9AEED0B9&f=00&fg=copy

ASK YOURSELVES:

"HOW BAD IS MY LIFE, REALLY?"

A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

2006-10-31T03:39:00.000-08:00

I love the characters I have been introduced to all over the world

2006-09-28T05:03:00.000-07:00

It's about time

2006-09-28T04:42:00.000-07:00

More cool pics

P r e s c o t t

2006-07-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

Here is the courthouse Royce was describing..

an old Catholic church converted to a theater

Goldwater Lake

Watson Lake

"Whiskey Row" .. and we thought Barb was moving for the fresh air...

Waterman

2006-07-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

Wondering how Barb is managing the move.
This is a pic that spoke to me the most recently.
I ended up buying this guys original bag with about a hundred coins from all over the world from over a hundred years ago riveted right onto the bag.
It's the coolest thing ever.

I am in waiting for ultrasound and MRI results - please send positive thoughts.
I am fairly comfortable knowing I am not pregnant... LOL
However, my innards are all @#$%^&*('d up
Send positive thoughts

Life or Something Like It

2006-06-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

Barb,
I know you are angry with your mom.
I can relate.
I remember the sacrifice she and your dad made for you girls.
I can imagine that if things didn't go her way, life would be difficult.
I don't know what it was like to live in a world of rules.
I had none.
I "appreciated" life from the other side of the coin, but appreciate your perspective now.

I know what it is like to have folks disagree with your lifestyle and I know the temptation of anger.
It will destroy you if you let it.
Go deeper, where the song touched you. Go into the pain and talk about it.
Talk to her. Send her a letter before you go at least.
You don't want any regrets.
Don't be reactive.
Your profile says you are open-minded, non-traditional, spiritual.
This is a test of your open-mindedness.
You are probably justified in how you feel.
I am just a third party with an outside perspective and a lack of details.
But, don't hold your mom accountable for Peggy.
They are two different people.
Your mom comes from a time when everything needed to look good.
SO what if you don't live the life she wanted.
This is normal.
The branch ALWAYS goes off in a different direction than the trunk.
Get over it. but love each other for who you are.
I mean, come on.
I love MY MOM.
ALSO, I went through the pain of putting pictures on my blog for you and all week..
NOTHING.
Dang.....
How's Royce?
Tell him HI.
I don't know Blue October, but I know of October Project.
VERY in your soul if you know what I mean.

Morocco Calls 2

2006-06-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of horse stables.

This was a large part of their culture.

Great pic of what I thought was going to be heaven opening and touching us on the face.
Quite surreal.

Spices, fabrics, the disntinct smells..

I loved Morocco

Morocco Calls

2006-06-13T20:57:00.001-07:00

Here is a great pig from Morocco. I think it is perhaps the most interesting place I have been.
I love the character so evident in every face.

Coolest place I've ever been.

You'd have to see it to believe it

I would love to go back and spend a good week taking pictures. I went through 4 memory cards.
INSANE.

These are spices. They shave them from these cones and you mix them with food or liquid.

I love the architecture and the medieval

flavor.

I think much of life is about perspective

SO, I highly encourage you to alter your perspective - frequently. View life - or a scenario from a different perspective.

The men wear these Gilaba's.

They look like priests walking around in the street.

This is the most common choice of waredrobe.

I was asked for my hand in marriage for 10,000 camels.

I thought to myself..

I don't see 10,000.....

I highly recommend this trip. It is quite affordable and enjoyable. Ladies, get a body guard. THey

Call to Morocco

2006-06-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

Here is a great pic from Morocco. I think it is perhaps the most interesting place I have been.
I love the character so evident in every face.

Coolest place I've ever been.

You'd have to see it to believe it

I would love to go back and spend a good week taking pictures. I went through 4 memory cards.
INSANE.

These are spices. They shave them from these cones and you mix them with food or liquid.

I love the architecture and the medieval

flavor.

I think much of life is about perspective

SO, I highly encourage you to alter your perspective - frequently. View life - or a scenario from a different perspective. Perhaps a different cultural perspective.

The men wear these Jelabah's.

They look like priests walking around in the street.

This is the most common choice of waredrobe.

I was asked for my hand in marriage for 10,000 camels.

I thought to myself..

I don't see 10,000.....

I highly recommend this trip. It is quite affordable and enjoyable. Ladies, get a body guard. They love women.

Joy

2006-06-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

What is joy?
A kiss from the dog.
A raise.
The look in your lover's eyes after making love.
Watching your child shreak with delight when playing.
A suns win.
Watching your brokerage account blossom.
Laughing at a memory- all by yourself, never expecting anyone to laugh with you and not feeling like a fool all by yourself.

YourInsidemyheadnow

2006-06-01T22:49:00.000-07:00

Work
School
Work
Home
Work
Home
Sit Fido Sit..
Good human.
Life is so ..................blah

YourInsidemyheadnow

2006-04-20T03:24:00.000-07:00

I am responsible for my state of mind.
I am responsible for my state of mind.
I take responsibility for my state of mind.
I take responsibility for my mind.
I take responsibility for my thoughts.
I am my thoughts.
I am.

Good point Royce.
I need a vacation

YourInsidemyheadnow

2006-04-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

Fuck... I'm back in black..
I think I will not be able to ever get rid of this side of myself.

Dark - Black - Synical.. Safety in risk..

The fuck you feeling.

Back in Black

2006-03-03T03:15:00.000-08:00

It's been a while.
Sorry for leaving everyone hanging.

Got food poisoning hanging out in the hospital, then went to Morocco.

I was offered 10,000 camels for my hand in marriage.. and seriously considered it.. lol

the rest of the story this weekend.

Fly Away

2006-01-29T21:42:00.000-08:00

I was promoted to a manager at member aquisitions in a financial services organization. Primarily we are p & c.

I am excited.

Barb, are you still exercising?
I am proud of both you and Nikki.
I need to do that beginning this week.
As I sip my beer.
Ho hum

more later

Shaking Dew From My New wings

2006-01-27T06:04:00.000-08:00

I got the job.
I am very excited about this.
Finally, I feel that I have a platform to lead people.

Kyra, I am curious about your uncomfortable zone, and you are one of the guys.

Barb, holy cow. I wish you had a video recorder to have haunted that guy down. That would have been prime time material. You could have sold it to Prime Time and put Tyler - and the rest of them in private school forever.

Go get a video recorder and hunt that bastard down like the scum he is and congratulations on confronting him.

Royce, you constantly surprise me. I now know why my dad liked you so much.

I still cry about dad occassionally, but I don't feel that I am in as much of a whirlwind as I was. Thank you for showing me how to blog Barb - and Thank God for antidepressants... lol

The dream... I will finish telling the story this weekend.
I think you will enjoy it.

Bursting from my cacoon

2006-01-19T19:15:00.000-08:00

I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and attempting to go back to school. I am challenging myself to a new role within my organization which I should be interviewing for next week.

I want to tell the rest of the story but will hav to revisit this in a few days.

I like talking with you guys

A New Phoenix Rising

2006-01-15T09:11:00.000-08:00

I had a recuring dream once, I was floating in the clouds and arrived at a gate, naturally, I wanted to see what was inside. I tried to open the gate and could not. I kicked and pulled and shook the bars. I could not get in. Finally, it dawned on me to ASK. I INVITED myself in and the doors swung open. They were supported by two very tall pillars. I walked in and soon the clouds began to fade. I could feel the earth beneath my feet. I was on a dirt path. The dirt had some moisture in it. It is dark. Or at least only certain things appear to me from time to time. On the right side is appears what to be a grave yard (this is a dream in 1993 mind you, and it is documented. I wrote about it) There is tall grass and old style upright headstones. I keep walking. There is a beautiful angel beside me. She is calming. She is not touching the ground as we walk. She is floating, and in white ( I know, traditional but I was raised traditionally, this is my subconscious remember). I ask her to follow me off the path and go see the grave sights. She politely declines, saying she cannot leave the path, and that she would be waiting for me once I returned. I was holding her hand. I let go and took a step onto the grass that was about a foot high. I walked for a while and looked at a few stones. I walked further up on a hill, I could see a woman sitting and rocking. I walked up to her and found she was rocking a baby and crying. I looked closely, the baby was dead. I tried to comfort her and placed my hand on her shoulder, but she just looked at me, rather looked right through me. I walked further and looked over the hill that opened into a large valley, it was dark and covered by a red glow. There were screams men and women. A dark, very dark cloaked figure was floating from place to place and where ever he went, people were screaming and crying. I hit the ground and hit. I could smell the earth. This figure came closer and closer and right to me. I felt fear. I crouched down. It hovered above me and I peeked up. It stood there floating and looking at me, it smelled like an old dark cave. It was about 14 feet tall. It turned and left, and in that moment I felt to revenge the woman and her lost child. I chased after it, yelling. I screamed at it and grabbed branches to try to hit it, I ran as fast as I could but never caught up. Eventually, I fell exhausted to the ground, when I woke up, I meandered back slowly to the hill where the woman was. I saw her still sitting there rocking this child. The child was a boy. I placed my hand on her shoulder again and walked away. ( 2 months ago, I learned that my mother lost a child )

As I walked I came across an opening that looked like a campsite with a fire in the center surrounded by rocks. It was warm and inviting so I sate there for a while and warmed my hands. I could feel the warmth touch my face and my cheeks getting too hot, but it seemed to compensate for my otherwise cold body. I looked through the smoke and could see a faint image of a tree. The tree was petrified and had no leaves. It was hard to the touch and shiny on the surface. What a dark place I thought to myself. It looked as if it used to have life. It looked as if it was once alive. I sat back at the fire for about 20 minutes and drifted into my thoughts. I then saw a faint image of an old indian man on the other side of the fire. I will never forget this, he had white hair and looked to be at peace with the world. He looked wise and did not speak, but the way he looked at me made me feel as if he knew me and that wisdom filled him. He was humming. It was comforting, so I sat there and listened to him hum. .. to be continued...

Comfortably Numb

2006-01-09T23:57:00.000-08:00

I have not been on here in a while. I wanted to be.
Thank you for your kind words everyone, especially unexpected words from Royce.

I had a seizure last week. First one. Now I am on anti-awake, anti feel something. I am .. comfortably numb.

My ex failed to pay taxes to the tune of 2000 which are now being pulled from my paycheck. I had .. no... reaction. This is strange.

There was a recall on Pet food on the front page of MSN. So glad my dog didn't eat that. Maybe I will give some to my ex.

Knocking things out one by one. Thank God for attorneys. My mother listens to them, even if they are saying the same thing I am. Consider the source. I am relaxing about taking care of mom now.

I love Barb. I always have and always will. I love her for being different, for being honest, for being uniquely her own.

I was pretty jazzed to her from long lost Nikki, whose opinion and dialoque I value. Kindred spirit I suppose.

I am attempting to take a step professionally, posting for a better role, and am going back to school. I am spending more time with my wife and more energy on the things that previously frightened me. I am outside of my comfort zone, but comfortably numb at the same time. Looking for something imbetween numb and loopy. Maybe I will cut the pill in half. Wish me luck.

Keep you posted. This is my dad - a long time ago. He was beautiful.

The Naked Truth

2006-01-04T00:10:00.000-08:00

The problem with Truth is that it is not soft. It does not lie. It does not veil itself nor tread lightly. Especially when spoken in anger. The angry Truth is liberating.

I did not mean to make you fall my oldest and dearest friend. I am shaking you by the arms in this cold and dark place. I am screaming at you and asking you "why?"

Maybe the Bible is a collection of characters in a different time. Life is a play and we are these characters manifested in a different time. The story still ends up with the same point.

Where is my shield? Where is my faith? Faith, Love and Hope. The greatest of these is Love. I think of my Father's Bible. This was his rock.

This intangible life. The intangible Truth of this life is that all of these things are what we choose. We choose to Hope, to have Faith and to Love every day. Yesterday, I chose to be angry. Today, I choose to be confused.

All that I ask is for you to listen to my thoughts. They are uncut. They are raw. They will offend you. They will impress you. They will touch you. They will hurt you. But they will always be the Truth for me in that moment.

The Truth is like a splinter. Sooner or later it presents itself. - unknown

My Father Who Taught Us How To Pray

2006-01-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

Our father who taught us how to pray, how honored is your name? You walked with God in selflessness honoring only His name. You taught us to love, live, and work in faith and lead by example, each and every day. You bread the depth of our character and molded our spiritual souls. You were a man of patience and wisdom because you were a student of the Truth. The more you sought this clarity, the more God unveiled it to you. You were tested like non other and tempered like a steel sword that in the end, shined brightly. Your shield was your impenatrable faith. Your counsel was sought by many. A more Godly man, I have not known.

Your work was your sanctuary, this church was your home. You loved the bride of your youth and your children watched as your committment never waivered. My blue collar dad was wealthy in Spirit having sacrificed earthly things for the Christian education of his children. He loved us with all that he had and we trusted him implicitly. He asked each one of us specifically to care and nurture our gifts and to water them daily. So I ask each one of you to do this.

Daddy, you are gone in body but the affect of your LIFE is still with us. The character you bore has been instilled in each one of us. Your legacy is your faith and the intimate relationship you had with God through prayer. As your children, Papa, we will honor you as you honored God with every fiber of your body. This swift, unexpected blow will bring us to our knees at the foot of the cross. The only direction to look is upward and by the faith of our father we will rise up.

God called you to sleep, as you would say, your trial is over. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes, your spirit has returned to God. Rest well my Papa, knowing that the path you walked left a clear trail for the little shoes that follow. You fullfilled your duty and charge as a husband, a father, and most of all, a disciple of Christ.

When you get to heaven, you will be given a crown when you stand at your Heavenly Father's feet. All angels will bow, when God places your crown on your head, and He will say, "Well done my good and faithful servant". Your crown will have many stars and will have been broken - and fixed - twice. There will be a new one in the drawer, but you won't wear it, because the old one is still good.

Among the many stars imbedded into your crown will be one little star, one little star that will shine for me! Then someone will turn and ask, "John, though you cared for the widows, fixed our broken homes, and fed the poor, what task were you given, did you most adore? He will ponder a moment, then smile to himself and answer softly, "I tought my children how to pray"

Disillusioned

2006-01-02T00:43:00.000-08:00

So, I am finally on here again. Jen and I went to Sedona for the night. We are real party animals. We fell asleep at 9:30. Happy New Year. I guess it's never been that big of a deal to me.

A lovely stranger left a post for me that I am just now finding. Thank you for your kind words. I know you mean well and that when people have moments of strength, it is good for them to lift up their brothers and sisters.

Today, I drove to the place where Jen and I had a memorial for her grandmother who passed 3 years ago. I remember my father and mother drove up to meet us at the campground. Daddy had such words of wisdom and brought his old trusty rusty Bible. He drove all the way up to a camp ground 2 hours north to try to have a memorial for her. I went to that place today and tried to remember what he said. I tried to remember his perspective on life and on death and tried to find solice in that. I found the words he wrote for his mother's passing a year ago. I like to see his hand written thoughts, they make me feel closer to him. I wrapped them around the words I wrote for him. I wrote them, I believe them. I struggle to live them.

Today, another holiday, I feel numb. I feel that I am disappointed in what life has to offer. I looked at my daddy's life and thought to myself. "Is that all life has to offer?" You work, then you die? He had such a small life, yet so large. He was a simple man, yet wealthy in spirit. His faith was huge. I feel as though I am hanging on a string, trying to believe because he did.

I called my brother today. We cried together. His wife is in Brazil, and his little girl is with her mother. I know he is in the same dark place I am. I have moments that are just fine, then next thing I know, that heavy feeling comes back and overwhelms me.

I bought sage today. I thought I could cleans the house and myself. The indians used to do it. What the Hey.....

I am tired.......and will write when I have more energy.

Life or Something Like It

2005-12-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

Barbie Doll..
I didn't eaven know how to blog 2 weeks ago. Thanks to you, I have hit the information highway. I don't HANG OUT at Barnes and Noble either, however, I thought it would be a good place to start in search of Truth. I was serious about the Dali Lama. I watched a Discovery type of program where they showed that anyone can sign up and go to listen to him. What a once in a lifetime if that could ever come into fruition. That would be a great sabbatical. You should ask your employer if they would support a sabbatical.. LOL tell them to count it on FMLA under mental breakdown..we could go and still keep our jobs..

Wow, I guess I touched a nerve. There is no judgement here, especially from my world. There is a certain "freedom" in going to a strip club. Yes, I know there are nice ones... not that I've been, (okay, maybe once.. twice .. maybe more than that) Any way you don't have to defend it. I was just trying to tell you after all the time I have spent in those places, I did not find truth, rather an empty wallet. If they did not make you horney, I cannot help you there. Yes R is a lucky bastard.. LOL I am glad you can go together and mostly, that you have an honest relationship and that you are not threatened. The friendship you have will last you late into your years together. Then, all we will have will be truth. It will be sagging down to your knews it will be so truthful.

You are comfortable in black, in darkness rather. I have always known that about you. But it was never evil. It was dark and maybe cloaking. It was safe and alternate. You would have been a good CIA agent. You were always all over the details. I think about what you said about the pastor.. can't beleive you know these things.

Anyway, it's too bad you feel so judged by THEM.. It is a series of experiences that have brought you to where you have ended up in your walk. I don't think I would have backed down to those bastards. I think I would have hired an attorney. I would have hired Barb to dig up some dirt on the teacher who was blacklisting my son. Don't back down is what I have learned in my life. I know this is a little too late. I don't want Tyler to hang out with hookers and druggies... Let me think of something for him.. Your home ought to have quite a bit of equity in it by now, maybe you can move to a different neighborhood if you are uncomfortable.

Chills up my spine, then I almost pucked when I heard my dad's voice on the voicemail. I will have to tell my mom about the pie. Hope the cat doesn't get it.
more later, the wife is calling..........................

Christmas / My day of Birth

2005-12-25T13:08:00.000-08:00

Today brings peace. I went to see my sister's house for Christmas. I watched the children with their excitement and contented looks and felt like I was providing. I like that feeling. Later, I spent time laying next to daddy. The smell of the earth centered me. I think they leave the sprinklers on too long at the cemetery. It is muddy around his grave. There was a small dry patch of earth.

The quiet desparation is fading into the sounds of the game on t.v., a can of honey roasted nuts and the smell of a birthday cake in the background. Jen is making a prime rib and the dog is laying on my lap. Today, I feel like an American family.

My friend wants to tell me what's in her heart, time brought distance .. I think most old friends fade away into the recesses of our memories. I too, long to connect. Still wondering what those places are.. thinking dark, the musty smell of colitus.. where desire temps your senses. I have been to those places. When you leave your pockets are empty and you walk away feeling like the prodigal son(daughter), horney as hell and left hanging.

Hitting a milestone next week. Stabilizing..with calculated risk. Foundation is becoming stronger. Interested to see the returns. Techinically speaking 50%. Need to move to level 3 and do this daily. I have to make up for lost time.

My darkest Hour

2005-12-25T01:53:00.000-08:00

Since daddy died I am strangely in a fog. I have jumped from the airplane and am falling. The only sound I hear is wind. Mom is somewhere else. I now have a 58 year old drunken "child" whom I love so much and strangely enough still try to seek what I need from her. My mother will always be an anomaly.

What a strange way to communicate.

Can you be cold and hot at the same time? At the top of your game and in your darkest hour simultaneously? Can your father teach you how to pray, then at the most opportune moment, you forget to do it?

Disconnected, numb, raging, desparate, exhausted.

I just drove tonight, into the dark. I ended up on a dark desert road. It was cold. I saw a church go by and felt my self reaching out for the same safe, intimate connectedness with God. Cold, feeling desparate in my heart - reaching for anything comforting I suppose, I stopped in. I was in jeans and a sweatshirt and out of place. I stood behind the brick half wall and listened. I am now in full believe that those who are tone deaf should not sing in public. The special music was... special. Then the "pastor" began to talk. i resented his western swagger, but his words ran true. Most of us are thinking about buying presents for others, and forgetting about the Holiness of Christmas. Whether you believe in God or not, there is something sacred about a fire, hot chocolate and Christmas music. So, I left the church and went to the desert, looking for a bar, and thought, I am turning into my mother.

Tonight, I could not drink, out of disgust for what my mother has become, but as I had not eaten, my strength dwindled. I could not drive home. I had to call for help, as I began to become confused and hysterical. Screaming, I wake up crying, - how is that possible?
Now, I have no car for Christmas. I hope no one steals my Christmas presents. They can have the car. But then I would have car payments again, that would suck.

I am supposed to have all the answers - I am the captain of this ship. At times, the waves crash over me, at times, the sea is so beautifully calm the sun touching the water's edge and I drift into peace. Each day a new bit of weather, wonder what tomorrow will be?