SHITFUCK of a WEEK.
I spend Christmas eve day with mom in the hospital and come home to Jen, she is pissed I have not even been present for the last 10 days, she's pissed at mom and all the drama, she totally crashed her diet and drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine and then bitched me solid for 1 hour and said she was tired of me chosing mom over her.
Another fucking Christmas even alone.
I fuckin hate life right now.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Beautiful Weather
I love this time of year.
I am feeling so much more well balanced, thanks to the Hormone Pellets.
Thanks Melody.
I getting back on track with exercising.
I try to do it on the days I work, so I actually have some relaxing days.
I have been pretty diligent with trying to seek balance in all areas, and will continue to improve.
I miss this outlet
I am feeling so much more well balanced, thanks to the Hormone Pellets.
Thanks Melody.
I getting back on track with exercising.
I try to do it on the days I work, so I actually have some relaxing days.
I have been pretty diligent with trying to seek balance in all areas, and will continue to improve.
I miss this outlet
Monday, September 07, 2009
Old Friends
We have been boating almost every weekend.
I lost a whole lot of weight and am starting to put it back on again.
I think I will get back to running.
That seemed to work best.
The gym for now because it is damn hot.
I loved the way I felt.
I miss that part of me.
So, things with J are going much better.
We are getting closer.
We had a few alcohol incidents, this time me.
Don't remember much of it but I am sure it was not pretty.
I have vague memories of not so good things.
Let's let that one rest shall we?
Becky was in the hospital with heart rate excelarated. Not sure why. I knew she was in bad shape when she called crying. She never calls. Ever.
So, something is wrong with her Pituitary gland.
Not a tumor, cause they looked and didn't find one.
She suffers so much, I hate that.
She never complains either.
Never
The police is on. They are playing live concert.
They s0und so good.
There is great music and then there is great music.
I lost a whole lot of weight and am starting to put it back on again.
I think I will get back to running.
That seemed to work best.
The gym for now because it is damn hot.
I loved the way I felt.
I miss that part of me.
So, things with J are going much better.
We are getting closer.
We had a few alcohol incidents, this time me.
Don't remember much of it but I am sure it was not pretty.
I have vague memories of not so good things.
Let's let that one rest shall we?
Becky was in the hospital with heart rate excelarated. Not sure why. I knew she was in bad shape when she called crying. She never calls. Ever.
So, something is wrong with her Pituitary gland.
Not a tumor, cause they looked and didn't find one.
She suffers so much, I hate that.
She never complains either.
Never
The police is on. They are playing live concert.
They s0und so good.
There is great music and then there is great music.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
SO, I have not posted in a while.
Who the hell has time for this shit.
.. and I was being so diligent.
SO, I switched to P90X for working out, and am trying to find a balance between that and going to the gym. Plateau sydrome. Of course it is not helping that i have not been exactly consistent.
I am hoping to sleep better and get rid of these nightsweats.
W T F WHO MADE THOSE UP?
Anyhow, looks like I am going to have to get on Prempro again (1 week not working) This shit has 1 more week to kick in or I am on to something else.
I must sleep, I need my beauty rest.
J and I are well, she stopped drinking .. mostly and is taking pills to help with that consistently, for the most part.
A few face plants off of the wagon, but no major arguments or drunk behavior.
Good news for me.
Charlie needs a damn job. Can't find one anywhere. I keep looking and praying.
Fuck all the greedy people that screwed up this economy, now we are paying.
I suppose the ups and downs in an economy is where you can make some money, if I had some.
Keeping the faith.. (just keep peddling Catherine)
more later.. C
Who the hell has time for this shit.
.. and I was being so diligent.
SO, I switched to P90X for working out, and am trying to find a balance between that and going to the gym. Plateau sydrome. Of course it is not helping that i have not been exactly consistent.
I am hoping to sleep better and get rid of these nightsweats.
W T F WHO MADE THOSE UP?
Anyhow, looks like I am going to have to get on Prempro again (1 week not working) This shit has 1 more week to kick in or I am on to something else.
I must sleep, I need my beauty rest.
J and I are well, she stopped drinking .. mostly and is taking pills to help with that consistently, for the most part.
A few face plants off of the wagon, but no major arguments or drunk behavior.
Good news for me.
Charlie needs a damn job. Can't find one anywhere. I keep looking and praying.
Fuck all the greedy people that screwed up this economy, now we are paying.
I suppose the ups and downs in an economy is where you can make some money, if I had some.
Keeping the faith.. (just keep peddling Catherine)
more later.. C
Friday, February 06, 2009
Great Days
The last few days have been fantastic.
J and I had our Anniversary and went Skiing. We have enjoyed each other's company and not had any fights. Those seem to cycle. This must be hormonal.
B - I reached out to a new friend at work.
E - I have been pretty stable the last few days. This is good.
P - I have missed a few days, one before skiing and 1 after. However I will make one of the days up on Sunday. I have been trying to focus on my mid section in the morning pretty heavily. I MUST LOOSE INCHES.
M - I am in class and learning homeowners, condo and renter's policies. Lots to learn. Need I say more. I am familiar with the basics, however each company is different and certainly unlearning and relearning different specifics is challenging. Also each computer system is different and certainly learning where to apply certain information is the most challenging for me.
S - I have been sporatic with prayer, unless in great need. That's not good. I have however had some nice mediation time.
Smooth waters for now..
I'm tired...
-C
J and I had our Anniversary and went Skiing. We have enjoyed each other's company and not had any fights. Those seem to cycle. This must be hormonal.
B - I reached out to a new friend at work.
E - I have been pretty stable the last few days. This is good.
P - I have missed a few days, one before skiing and 1 after. However I will make one of the days up on Sunday. I have been trying to focus on my mid section in the morning pretty heavily. I MUST LOOSE INCHES.
M - I am in class and learning homeowners, condo and renter's policies. Lots to learn. Need I say more. I am familiar with the basics, however each company is different and certainly unlearning and relearning different specifics is challenging. Also each computer system is different and certainly learning where to apply certain information is the most challenging for me.
S - I have been sporatic with prayer, unless in great need. That's not good. I have however had some nice mediation time.
Smooth waters for now..
I'm tired...
-C
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Misery is Temporary
So, the last few days have been interesting.
J stopped drinking for 8 days. She got very upset with me for putting her picture on facebook.
I was proud to put her on, but know her better than that, and should have known she would have been upset. Regardless, she blew up and told me not to come home. She drank (probably a lot) and of course, it's MY fault. I suppose there will always be an excuse for drinking. Sometimes I wonder if she starts arguments on purpose. She is comfortable in her anger.
Anyway. I apologized to her and attempted to make up today as we spent time together. We did ok until the end of the night. Usually around 8 pm or so, then she got mad because the turkey slices went bad in the fridge. I had to hear a lecture for about 20 minutes on not wasting food.
I mean really, it goes on and on and on. She misunderstood something I said and blew up. Now she is in the bedroom again, throwing a temper tantrum with the door shut. I blew up at her for acusing me of saying something I didn't. This is getting annoying. I am getting tired of her mood swings, and I told her. She hated that. We both took and anxiety pill and went our separate ways.
I feel like I am boiling over right now. I'm pissed off. Pissed off that I have to endure another night of this needless drama. I am pissed off that more time is wasted. I'm pissed off that my life has turned out this way, when it never used to be this way. Things were good, for a long time with us. I am at this point of lifting myself up by the bootstraps and it's difficult. It's challenging, but I am determined. It seems that the person in my life who is supposed to be supporting me is in her own private hell. She is overwhelmed with her problems and personal hell and barely able to get through day to day, then the next minute, she is just fine, cooking up a storm and making food for my lunches.
Reactiveness is out of control right now. Initially it was her and I was trying to maintain my cool, but I am reactive now. I don't like it. I feel like I need a punching bag. To make matters worse, I didn't run for three days in a row. I feel like I disappointed myself. I was too cold and miserable yesterday due to our blow up. In the past month or so, I have shrugged it off without difficulty and even used it as motivation to run faster and longer. It actually made me more determined.
I feel off balance. I even got upset at the stupid DMV today. Someone changed my registration address without my permission and it fucked up my tags.
I think I need to focus on peacefulness in teh next few days. I need to meditate, pray, focus, whatever it takes to put my feet on the ground and stop being a puppet.
B I got to spend some time with Charlie last night. (By force) I actually had a good time. He feels steady to me and not an emotional wreck like I thought he would be after Renata left. He has every Russian mail order bride beckoning him and has about 30 emails a day from girls. Men think differently. Foreign women sell themselves with sex appeal. Maybe this is what he needs to get through it. I guess. Regardless. I felt a sense of belonging by being with him.
E We already covered that
P Fucked the last few days, and the ipod took a dump ( the new one) so back to Best Buy and I'll have to see if it will charge while I am at work so I can track my run. I might have to use the old ipod with a crappy battery. Maybe it will get me through 1 day, till I get the new one. I'd like to get credit for the 2 miles I am running. It's like instant gratification.
S I need to open my heart and focus. I miss the way my dad was like a lighthouse in the midde of rough seas. Nothering ever shook him. He was solid. His faith was solid. He was at peace. Now he is at peace.
F I have spent too much money in the past month.
1/5 that sucks.
J stopped drinking for 8 days. She got very upset with me for putting her picture on facebook.
I was proud to put her on, but know her better than that, and should have known she would have been upset. Regardless, she blew up and told me not to come home. She drank (probably a lot) and of course, it's MY fault. I suppose there will always be an excuse for drinking. Sometimes I wonder if she starts arguments on purpose. She is comfortable in her anger.
Anyway. I apologized to her and attempted to make up today as we spent time together. We did ok until the end of the night. Usually around 8 pm or so, then she got mad because the turkey slices went bad in the fridge. I had to hear a lecture for about 20 minutes on not wasting food.
I mean really, it goes on and on and on. She misunderstood something I said and blew up. Now she is in the bedroom again, throwing a temper tantrum with the door shut. I blew up at her for acusing me of saying something I didn't. This is getting annoying. I am getting tired of her mood swings, and I told her. She hated that. We both took and anxiety pill and went our separate ways.
I feel like I am boiling over right now. I'm pissed off. Pissed off that I have to endure another night of this needless drama. I am pissed off that more time is wasted. I'm pissed off that my life has turned out this way, when it never used to be this way. Things were good, for a long time with us. I am at this point of lifting myself up by the bootstraps and it's difficult. It's challenging, but I am determined. It seems that the person in my life who is supposed to be supporting me is in her own private hell. She is overwhelmed with her problems and personal hell and barely able to get through day to day, then the next minute, she is just fine, cooking up a storm and making food for my lunches.
Reactiveness is out of control right now. Initially it was her and I was trying to maintain my cool, but I am reactive now. I don't like it. I feel like I need a punching bag. To make matters worse, I didn't run for three days in a row. I feel like I disappointed myself. I was too cold and miserable yesterday due to our blow up. In the past month or so, I have shrugged it off without difficulty and even used it as motivation to run faster and longer. It actually made me more determined.
I feel off balance. I even got upset at the stupid DMV today. Someone changed my registration address without my permission and it fucked up my tags.
I think I need to focus on peacefulness in teh next few days. I need to meditate, pray, focus, whatever it takes to put my feet on the ground and stop being a puppet.
B I got to spend some time with Charlie last night. (By force) I actually had a good time. He feels steady to me and not an emotional wreck like I thought he would be after Renata left. He has every Russian mail order bride beckoning him and has about 30 emails a day from girls. Men think differently. Foreign women sell themselves with sex appeal. Maybe this is what he needs to get through it. I guess. Regardless. I felt a sense of belonging by being with him.
E We already covered that
P Fucked the last few days, and the ipod took a dump ( the new one) so back to Best Buy and I'll have to see if it will charge while I am at work so I can track my run. I might have to use the old ipod with a crappy battery. Maybe it will get me through 1 day, till I get the new one. I'd like to get credit for the 2 miles I am running. It's like instant gratification.
S I need to open my heart and focus. I miss the way my dad was like a lighthouse in the midde of rough seas. Nothering ever shook him. He was solid. His faith was solid. He was at peace. Now he is at peace.
F I have spent too much money in the past month.
1/5 that sucks.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Ups and Downs
B - Hard to do much when you are sick in the way of being social, feeling social or reaching out to people. I am getting better though. My voice has returned. Just in time for the next Cardinals game.
E- It seems that I am feeling more anxious the last few days. I have not been at work and have had more time with Jen. The time has been mostly chilling cause I feel like shit. Which sucks because those become the memories and overshadow the fun times. J is the caretaker. But she resents it and feels that she is doing everything. Well, yes, this week, I suppose she is. She wants to live in a Goddamn museum. Nothing out of place. Such a contrast to the way I was raised. Still I am trying to adjust. I have made lots of lifestyle changes in the way I live. Still there is enough of a difference to aggravate her. She is having withdrawls and will pick a fight towards the end of the day. I am noticing this pattern and trying to stay out of her hair so to speak. The mood swings are quick and drastic and I am just trying to stay out of the way. Right now, I believe this is about withdrawl. She still has not filled her prescription for the medication which will chill her out. Perhaps tomorrow. I had significant anxiety the other day when I could not breath and went to the ER. They gave me a breathing treatment and anxiety shot.
P - still sick. still unable to run
M- I have figured out how to use ALL of the options on my cell phone. Including Beaming. Still practicing this. I will spend more time learning where to access things at work and then it will be time for me to find another mental challenge. Soon I will go back to training for homeowners. Of course I have had the license for quite a long time, but have actually never written a homeowner's policy. Perhaps a good book imbetween.
S - I am finding moments of peace to meditate. Honestly, I need to make a larger commitment to this. I will make it a point to Pray with J. Families that pray together....
F - I sucked at this for the last 3 weeks. Now I have to get back to frugal..
Wish me luck to weather the ups and downs of detox
E- It seems that I am feeling more anxious the last few days. I have not been at work and have had more time with Jen. The time has been mostly chilling cause I feel like shit. Which sucks because those become the memories and overshadow the fun times. J is the caretaker. But she resents it and feels that she is doing everything. Well, yes, this week, I suppose she is. She wants to live in a Goddamn museum. Nothing out of place. Such a contrast to the way I was raised. Still I am trying to adjust. I have made lots of lifestyle changes in the way I live. Still there is enough of a difference to aggravate her. She is having withdrawls and will pick a fight towards the end of the day. I am noticing this pattern and trying to stay out of her hair so to speak. The mood swings are quick and drastic and I am just trying to stay out of the way. Right now, I believe this is about withdrawl. She still has not filled her prescription for the medication which will chill her out. Perhaps tomorrow. I had significant anxiety the other day when I could not breath and went to the ER. They gave me a breathing treatment and anxiety shot.
P - still sick. still unable to run
M- I have figured out how to use ALL of the options on my cell phone. Including Beaming. Still practicing this. I will spend more time learning where to access things at work and then it will be time for me to find another mental challenge. Soon I will go back to training for homeowners. Of course I have had the license for quite a long time, but have actually never written a homeowner's policy. Perhaps a good book imbetween.
S - I am finding moments of peace to meditate. Honestly, I need to make a larger commitment to this. I will make it a point to Pray with J. Families that pray together....
F - I sucked at this for the last 3 weeks. Now I have to get back to frugal..
Wish me luck to weather the ups and downs of detox
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